


After The Dream Sequence (Re-upload)

by Eternalxblossom



Category: Faking It (TV 2014)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-12 01:24:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 36,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18001151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eternalxblossom/pseuds/Eternalxblossom
Summary: After Amy's emotional speech at the end of 2x10, Karma finds herself at a standstill. She doesn't know where she stands with the person who's always been her constant. And those dreams - they only make it harder. She has a history of avoiding her own heart and living in denial, but her mask is slowly slipping away. Will she be able to keep up the act?(2b rewritten, Karma-centric). RE-uploaded. First fic ever, please be gentle. Chapter names are song titles and/or lyrics I found fitting for what happens.





	1. All The Wrong Places

Karma woke up, cold sweat dripping down her forehead as her eyes locked with the sleeping face of one Liam Booker. The realization that she had slept with him yet again only fully sunk in now – and so did the disgust with herself. It didn't help much that, after the twisted dream she just had, it was the first image she saw upon opening her eyes.

Karma was overcompensating alright. It's simply what she did when things got too complicated – Liam was her scapegoat, the bearer of her childhood fantasy and the one who could successfully fuel her denial and help bury her confusing feelings, or at least keep them at bay, away from prying eyes.

No one truly knew what went on in Karma Ashcroft's pretty little red head. Half the time, neither did she. There was a time when things were simpler, when it was just her and Amy sharing a ten-year-old friendship, a genuine, strong bond that gave her a sense of security she so desperately craved. Amy used to be safe. But now Amy was scary.

She never once told Amy how sorry she was for all the pain she's put her through. Come to think of it, lately, she's been anything but honest with Amy. Ever since the homecoming assembly, hell, maybe even earlier, she hasn't been honest with herself either. She just wished she would've realized it sooner. But they both knew – Karma was the better liar and things always happened according to her wishes. Scheming is what she did.

Though, just maybe, Amy saw right through it but didn't say a word, simply took the crushing blows with a smile on her face, in the selfless manner that's so uniquely hers – pretended not to notice Karma's intoxicating smile and her eyes flickering ever so slightly to her lips again after their kiss at the homecoming assembly, before calmly resuming her speech, Karma's sweet words of encouragement that she was "great", even though Amy tried to mask her true feelings by claiming she felt like "kissing her sister".

Karma could have said that too, but she didn't, which left Amy momentarily hope that she felt more than sisterly affection when their lips connected, that she had the very same realization, captured in their soft, breathless exchange of words long held in – "Whoa" – "I know."

The threesome was simple clarity, if Karma ever had any lingering doubts. But she lied to Amy yet again, claiming that "Everything got out of control." Or maybe just her feelings did.

But then came the wedding, the moment Karma unwillingly broke Amy's heart. On some level, she's always known that Amy loved her – they were best friends, for crying out loud, and Amy was a pretty terrible liar. She saw the signs and was too petrified to put them together. When Amy did and uttered those fateful words with such desperation, eyes brimming with hot tears, she panicked and rejected her. She was in too deep. She was starting to be popular, because God forbid she'd ever end up like her parents, was with the hot guy who fulfilled her childhood fantasy and she had her best friend, right? Why overcomplicate things?

It was so much easier to bury her real feelings deep down, so deep she convinced herself, at one point, that they weren't real. She wasn't as strong as Amy. She wasn't Princess Sarcasm, self-assured, strong, mature – no, she was just Karma, the insecure girl who constantly sought people's approval.

Amy was everything she had, and everything that made sense up until high school. And while Amy had someone to confide in – Shane – Karma had no one. After the threesome, after seeing her best friend in this whole incredible, exciting and equally frightening new light, she's dreamed of Amy and everything about her – how it all suddenly made sense, like flipping on a switch, but she had no one to talk to, other than her best friend. In her dream, she inched closer to Amy and really looked at her. In her dream, it was easier to act, it was easier to pour her heart out. It was easier not to pretend.

But faced with Amy's open soul and vulnerability, she couldn't. Those transparent blue orbs showed a courage beyond her imagination. Amy was facing her feelings head on, she was scared to death, but put her heart on the line regardless, even if chances were it would get broken in the process.

_Leave that to insensitive, egotistical and immature Karma. – her subconscious intervened._

Karma was certain she was nothing but a coward. A coward now dealing with the aftermath of her actions. She can't hold a grudge against Amy for sleeping with Liam anymore, even though she's not yet ready to forgive her and a part of her still blames her for that betrayal. Because now she understands her reasoning and her feelings a bit better. It is the exact pain and fear that she experienced at Communal, when she saw Reagan, the realization that Amy might someday love somebody as much as she loves her. Was that how Amy felt that night? So helpless, angry and hurt that Karma had replaced her and tossed her aside?

Now experiencing those feelings herself, Karma began to realize how selfish and self-centered she's been, and how much she must've hurt Amy all along.

" _I've been in love with you since the day we met."_

Karma wiped her tears softly and hastily grabbed the pile of clothes tossed on the art studio floor. She felt so ashamed of herself. She ran home and got in the shower, not saying a word to her parents. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and the images her brain kept projecting didn't help ease her state of mind. She needed her best friend more than ever.

She grabbed her phone and texted Amy, knowing she'd probably regret it soon afterwards. Amy was with Reagan, she had no right to butt in. But she was selfish. As always.

"I'm sorry. I miss you, Amy." – her message read. She pressed send and felt a wave of relief flood through her. For the first time in months, she was being 100% truthful.


	2. Not Over You

Karma sighed heavily, gazing at her phone for the hundredth time with a blank, empty stare. It's been exactly 22 hours and 16 minutes since she sent that message, and the anticipation was driving her mad. Amy didn't reply. Frankly, she doesn't know what she expected – Amy running back into her arms and ditching her girlfriend for her? As if.

Karma knew she should still be royally pissed off at Amy about Liam, and a part of her still is, but those thoughts are gradually being replaced by another type of anger – directed at herself. What Amy did was wrong, but what she's been doing for months was the epitome of cruel and manipulative. She's convinced her best friend to fake being in a relationship with her just to get popular. Never, during her journey of self-validation had she ever taken Amy's feelings into consideration or opened her ears to truly hear what she had to say on the matter. But during this whole journey, Amy's only concerns were _her_ feelings and _her_ happiness.

At the wedding, it was the only moment Amy did something for herself and not for Karma. She had to free herself from the burden of dealing with conflicting feelings, it was the only time she truly broke down and exposed her long-repressed vulnerability. Out of the two of them, Amy was the rock, the shoulder to cry on, the person who kept her calm during crisis, the person who brought a dose of reason into Karma's often ridiculous plans, one sarcastic undertone at a time.

Seeing her so exposed and weak, Karma was frightened to bits, because deep down she has been feeling the exact same way. It was a strange role reversal, when Karma was supposed to take the lead and comfort her, like Amy had done a hundred times before. Instead, she made it all about her, and revealed that she slept with Liam.

The only times she's seen Amy break down in tears like the truth physically hurt her were at the wedding, when she confessed the truth about Liam and in that jail cell. And all of these times, it was because of her. She was the only one who could make Amy's weaknesses come out, and that scared her because she didn't know how to deal with them. She didn't know how to deal with hers either.

They were best friends, they were supposed to help each other out during these precise times. But Karma's rejection at the wedding was the beginning of Amy slowly pulling away, in order to protect herself. Karma had enough of her to break her heart into tiny pieces. She wouldn't allow that anymore. She had tried so hard to move on and be her own person, and part of Karma admired that about her, that sheer strength and ability to cope. She just wished Amy didn't have to go through it alone, she wished she had been stronger and stepped off the edge with her when she had the chance, wished she had been stronger and told her she had wanted someone like that ever since she was little, someone to love her unconditionally and accept her when she had such a hard time accepting herself.

Instead, she showered Amy with ridiculous gestures of affection in order to fix their friendship – the speeches, the song she wrote, not realizing how badly she was hurting Amy by giving her false hope.

_Maybe _it wasn't false after all.__

In Amy's own words, Karma was _"water boarding her heart"._ And when Amy asked, a glimmer of hope in her ocean blues – _"Are you sure you still don't feel the same way? Just checking.",_ she wanted to punch herself hard in the gut for sending a regret-filled look her way, like she was feeling sorry for Amy.

Sometime in between her extensive self-reflection, Karma's feet dragged her all the way to Amy's house, the only place she called home. Even though she knew Amy might not be back from her trip, she still wanted to be there and relive all the precious moments spent in that room, bask in them and momentarily forget.

"Karma? What are you doing here?" – Amy asked, hiding her laptop away from Karma's prying eyes. She was writing when said girl knocked on the door and entered, taking Amy's prolonged silence as a bad sign. She was so into her work she barely registered the noise. Amy liked to write from time to time, and it was something about her not even her best friend knew.

"Amy..Hi. Your mom let me in. Told me you were back." – Karma said, her eyes downcast, avoiding the blonde's eyes.

Amy knew this behavior. This was nervous Karma, a side of her rarely seen. She was usually bubbly and energetic, a far cry from this shy, quiet and reserved version of her. They simply gazed at each other, for longer than they should, searching for something in each other's eyes. Forgiveness? Acceptance? Neither knew what to say. Fortunately, Amy broke the ice.

"I got your message." – Amy said, out of the blue, as Karma's eyes eventually fell upon her face.

"You did?" – the redhead asked, failing to contain the hint of excitement taking over her voice.

"Yeah.. That's actually why I cut the trip short." – Amy confessed, to which Karma walked across the room and hesitantly took a seat on the edge of her best friend's bed, maintaining an odd distance.

"You shouldn't have done that, Amy.." – Karma said, softly.

"A moment of weakness, right?" – Amy asked and Karma looked down in shame. That wasn't a moment of weakness, it was a moment of painful honesty - long overdue.

"A moment of truth." – Karma said, voicing her earlier thoughts. She gathered all of her courage and moved closer, then hesitantly placed her hand on her best friend's. When Amy flinched slightly, she pondered upon retrieving her hand, but Amy then relaxed and gently squeezed it back.

"I understand now, you know?" – Karma said, to which Amy gave her a quizzical look. "Why you did what you did after the wedding. I hurt you pretty bad, didn't I?" – Karma continued, sympathetically, and when her eyes locked with Amy's, she felt a painful knot rising in her throat.

Amy's look was of pure heartbreak and anguish. She looked like she was reliving it and at that moment, Karma hated herself for her inability to be truthful. All she does is push everyone over the edge because she's lying to herself. She uses people to mask her own insecurities. And she hides her real self so deep, she forgets how to shed the layers.

Even though she knows the blonde donut obsessed girl before her is the only person who would gladly give her the world without asking for anything in return, Karma knows she has to learn to love herself first before allowing anyone else to.

Right now, the person standing before Amy is in no way worthy of her time and affection. She missed that train when Amy took a backseat in her quest for popularity and the fling with the popular guy, and when she coldly rejected her, going against all the impulses in her body urging her to run after her, apologize and come clean. But she didn't.

 _"I didn't know how to tell her. We're best friends, we're insanely close, oh and, I was in love with you._ '

Was. She missed that train alright.

"Amy, did you mean it?" – Karma whispered after a long pause, her voice so small and hesitant Amy had to strain herself to hear her. "What you said in that jail cell."

"Which part?" – Amy asked, and a strained smile appeared on her face.

"All of it." – Karma clarified.

"Of course I did, Karma. You know I'm a horrible liar. I couldn't have lied about that even if I wanted to. Though, to be honest, you can't always tell when I'm lying, can you?" – Amy said, her tone turning defensive.

She was obviously referring to the night of the wedding. Karma nodded softly. She deserved it. They had both hurt each other repeatedly and all she wanted was to put an end to it.

"Look, Amy..I know we both messed up and I said some things I wish I could take back. And I know it will probably take a lot of time but I..I miss my best friend. I miss girls weekend. I miss hate-watching Twilight. I even miss watching documentaries instead of romantic comedies because you love them." _And I love –_

_Stop it right there, Karma. Too little, too late._

"Well, Lauren's watching some movie downstairs right now but..how about we watch something on my laptop? And by something, I mean anything without Judy Dench." – Amy offered, giving Karma a soft, sincere smile, the first one she's seen on her face in too long. _And it's all been my own doing._

Karma's look mirrored her best friend's. Her smile reached her eyes this time. She hesitantly got under the covers, cautious not to get too close. Wordlessly, Amy placed her hand around her waist, allowing Karma to rest her head on her shoulder. Karma's breath hitched and she tried to ignore her raging heartbeats.

"So, what's it gonna be?" – Amy asked, oblivious to the redhead's inner turmoil, gently nudging her best friend on the shoulder, but Karma was only focusing on the movement of her lips.

"You decide."


	3. Only Love Can Hurt Like This

Halfway through Twilight, because yet again Amy's choice was to make her best friend happy, Karma fell asleep, her head nesting in the crook of the blonde's neck and her soft breathing soothing them both.

Amy had to force herself to look away. It was too painful. Karma was beautiful, it wasn't like she hadn't noticed before. But looking at her now physically hurt her, even if she was just stealing a glance - a fleeting, forbidden glance. There was a time that beauty didn't have this kind of effect on her. A simpler time.

Just maybe she was wrong, just maybe it always did affect her, but she preferred not knowing. She preferred not having realized it herself during the homecoming assembly, when her heart sped up to the point of nearly exploding inside her chest, and she saw the fireworks, and the whole world disappearing, until it was just the two of them and the feel of Karma's lips on hers.

She was text book screwed because she's pretty sure she heard that sappy description in one of the romantic comedies Karma forced her to watch at one time. She was fine not knowing, before this whole mess came crashing down on them both. And she was fine not thinking of Karma's lips for the moment, too. _Settle down, Amy. Don't go down that road again._

But try as she might, she couldn't pull her gaze away. Karma looked peaceful, for lack of a better term. The distress, the shock, the anger, the anguish, seemed to have all vanished from her beautiful face, at least for now. What Amy didn't know was that this was the best sleep Karma's gotten in days, days filled with regret, thoughts keeping her awake at night and undeniable confusion.

Karma didn't understand how everything seemed so clear to Amy when she was still struggling to piece herself back together, how she could always exude such certainty and clarity. Amy was her constant and this was one of the many reasons why they were best friends – she was like her personal safe haven away from the world.

Whenever everything got too hard to bear, she'd knock on her door and they'd stay in this room for hours listening to each other (though it was mostly Amy's job, as Karma later came to realize, sadly), watching movies they mostly hated, or just cuddling, taking each other's pain away, bringing a sort of comfort that was _theirs._

There was a time everything was _theirs,_ before other people came along, before Shane outed them as lesbians in front of the entire student body and the lines between them have been irrevocably blurred. _But that wasn't enough for Karma, was it?_

Amy sighed heavily at that thought. Neither wanted to think of those lines. Neither was sure they even wanted to know. Amy couldn't bear that sort of pain again and Karma was just Karma – she never knew what she wanted. Until it was too late.

Apparently the sound of her sigh momentarily alerted a sleeping Karma, as she unconsciously gripped Amy's side tighter, moving impossibly close and burying her head deeper in the crook of her neck.

Her hot breath made Amy light-headed and she had to impose some distance for the sake of her last shred of sanity. Unconsciously, she ran her fingers down Karma's cheek, before carefully placing her head on the pillow and tucking her in. She planted a chaste, longing kiss on her forehead and grabbed her phone, before leaving the room.

She needed to take a walk to clear her head, possibly fill her stash of donuts on the way. There were three missed calls from Reagan and she knew she had to deal with that too. She didn't tell Karma she and Reagan got into a fight because she backed out from their trip. She pressed call and waited for the older girl's deep voice to greet her in her usual way. Hell, she even expected that cute nickname. But it wasn't what she got.

"Amy, we need to talk." – she said, her voice an odd mix of hurt and indifferent. Amy felt her heart sink.

"I know, Rea..I know. I'm really sorry I left like that, it's just that-–"

"Karma needed you." – Reagan finished the sentence for her.

"Look, it's not like that. Trust me. She's been through a lot lately. I screwed up, big time." – Amy said, remorse sinking into her voice.

"Amy, you were pushed over the edge. It's not like you felt something for Liam, did you?" – Reagan asked and Amy read between the lines. Reagan still had that fear that she would be left again for a guy.

"Of course not. I just.." – Amy's voice trailed off. "I wanted to hurt her."

"You had every right to. She did break your heart, didn't she? Did you even tell someone those words before? _And_ have them shoved back in your face like that?" – Reagan asked, not even trying to mask her curiosity.

"Other than my mom, no. Do I seem like the type of person to dish out I love you's like hellos?" - Amy laughed bitterly, and Reagan kept her silence, though she felt for her. "I never loved someone like that before." – the blonde confessed, and Reagan could almost imagine her pained expression and the resignation showing on her face.

"She's your first love, isn't she?"

Amy's silence was a compelling answer.

"I get it, Shrimp girl. Just..call me once you've sorted this whole mess out. And..be honest with yourself." – Reagan said, and promptly hung up. The action hurt Amy. _She didn't even give me the chance to say it._

Amy exhaled heavily, feeling her chest tighten with anger and despair. Reagan has been nothing but kind and amazing to her, but the moment Karma calls, she just throws it all away. She kept reasoning with herself that her best friend needed her but it wasn't fair to Reagan. It wasn't fair to anyone, not even herself, that regardless of what Karma did, she would always hold a place in Amy's heart destined for her and no one else.

" _We're soulmates, the normal rules don't apply to us. We're spending the rest of their lives together."_

She returned home with two cups of coffee and donuts. Much to her surprise, Karma was awake and apparently feeling much better.

"How long was I out?" – Karma asked, letting out a laugh.

"A while." – Amy said, and Karma took in her distressed look and teary-eyes. She hasn't even noticed her eyes started watering.

"Amy, what's wrong?" – her best friend asked, concern taking over her voice as she cautiously studied Amy's eyes for the answer, because the shaken girl's voice sounded like it would give away any minute.

"I'm what's wrong." – Amy responded, letting out a choked sound between a laugh and a sob. "Don't worry, Karma, I'll be fine. I'm just..glad you're feeling better."

Just like Amy to assume her problems were less important than her best friend's. Karma has led her to believe that, because she let Amy always put her first. The realization hurt, and Karma was determined to change it. It was high time she did role reversal right.

"You don't have to tell me what's wrong. Just know that I'm here this time. Everything you need." – Karma assured, and gently wrapped her arms around Amy's shoulders.

Amy's body stiffened at first then relaxed, letting herself succumb to that feeling and melt in her arms. Just like Karma to build her up then tear her to the ground.

"I don't know what I need." – Amy said, then quickly broke the hug, looking anywhere but into Karma's eyes.

Maybe it was the wrong time to do role reversal right. After all, Karma's timing was phenomenal by definition.

"I get that. I'll..I'll just go. You need some alone time. But I'm around when you're ready to talk, alright?" – she said, and Amy gently squeezed her hand.

"Thank you, Karma." – she said, sincerely.

"No, thank _you._ " – Karma replied.

"Here." - Amy said, handling Karma her coffee. "Got this for you. Grab a donut on the way too, because they'll be gone in less than five."

Karma felt her heart wrench at the sight before her. Despite her state, Amy was still doing her best to make her smile. She took a donut from the box, her fingers just barely grazing over Amy's arm.

"Since when do you share food?" - Karma said, attempting to ease the tension, and Amy's laugh came, but it was hollow and empty. Karma looked at her once more, before closing the door and getting out of sight.

Amy let out a breath she didn't even realize she was holding in the entire time. Her head crashed on her pillow and the tears kept on coming. She made no effort to stop them.


	4. Never See Me Cry

Hester High was quite the phenomenon, a blue oasis in the middle of Austin, Texas. Oddly enough, the outcasts ruled it, there was acceptance, tolerance and people who were different were encouraged to embrace the aspects that made them unique, instead of being bullied because of them.

But there was a price that came with that acceptance – only those who stood out the most were popular. As Karma thought more about it, the reality of Hester High was ironic to say the least – for a high school taking pride in its diversity and acceptance, teens were still desperately struggling to fit in. And fitting in meant standing out, the opposite of your average high school where only a bunch of privileged, rich kids deserved a homecoming crown and overnight popularity, hearing their names chanted in the middle of the gym, hearing the claps, the cheer. She and Amy somehow managed to break that cardinal rule, that unspoken social hierarchy of every educational establishment.

Karma was not supposed to be part of that world. But she craved it, God, how she craved it. Amy just shrugged at the idea. She couldn't care less about fitting in. Amy simply did her own thing and Karma wished she could be like her in that respect. But she wasn't. It didn't come easy to her.

Despite Amy's constant reassurance that she wasn't "so fucking ordinary", Karma never found the strength within her to truly believe it. And she didn't want to admit that this excessive desire to be popular, to the point of obsession, was rooted deep in her childhood.

Karma never felt like her parents understood her, accepted her, or bonded with her until she apparently came out as a lesbian. Only then did they stop to pay more attention to her and her needs, instead of focusing on their food truck and alternative way of life, for once. Being popular was supposed to offer her what she needed – her parents' attention and Liam's affection, while also boosting her self-confidence. If the people at school thought she was worth something, maybe she could get herself to believe it too.

But she ended up hurting everyone along the way because she's been trying to find self-fulfillment, because she's chased it with such stubbornness. Amy has always accepted her regardless of her flaws and invisibility on the school's social radar, why couldn't that have been enough? She sometimes wondered why couldn't she settle for that. Because she was an insecure teenage girl. And what teenage girl doesn't dream of popularity and being with the dreamy guy? The way she achieved those things was immoral and plain wrong, but she cherished them when she had them, she couldn't lie about that. She enjoyed it while it lasted.

Now, looking back on it, she thinks maybe it wasn't what really mattered. She had screwed over good people, she's made them act out of character, pushed their buttons, compelled them to cross the line.

Karma stared at her untouched sandwich, and across the quad she saw Amy's smiling face, chatting with Shane, apparently laughing at something the stylish, perceptive teen said. And it's then that it hit her – Amy deserved to be happy and she couldn't give that to her in a million years. She never could. She was too selfish for her own good.

Her eyes then traveled to Liam, who was talking to the jocks, and then back to Amy. Her stomach churned and a painful knot formed in her throat, as her eyes start watering. She thought she was ready to forgive them both, but she isn't.

Seeing them in the same space, the mental images kept on coming, and so did her anguish. She knew she was at fault too, but the betrayal still hurt, even more so when she locks eyes with them both, and it was going to take a lot of time to rebuild that broken trust. She had no right to feel that Amy cheated on her, but it was exactly how she was feeling. And Liam..she didn't even want to get started on him.

Unfortunately, fate seemed to have other plans, as the boy started making his way towards her. She felt like throwing up, and this time it was for an entirely different set of reasons, not because he was the cute boy who made her knees tremble and her voice give away. He took a seat next to her and drew in a sharp breath, before speaking up.

"Karma." – his voice was low, guilt etched onto every tone. "What was that?"

He was obviously referring to her jumping his bones in the art room. That was her not acting on her anger, frustrations and confusion. That was her not running from her true feelings for the hundredth time.

"It meant nothing." – she replied, voice stone cold.

"Figured. " – he said, and looked away momentarily. "Luckily for you, you don't have to worry about it. You won't see me around for some time. At least not as often. I'll be interning at Skwerkel. Small price to pay for what I did."

"What do you mean?" – Karma asked, utterly confused.

"Had to hold to my end of the bargain to get you and your folks out. It was the least I could do." – he said, shrugging his shoulders.

Karma wanted to thank him, though another, much stronger part of herself wanted to punch him until every inch of his face bled, like her heart did the moment he looked her straight in the eyes with that fragile, despicable expression, wordlessly confirming her worst fear.

 _He had touched Amy._ – the words resonated in her head, making it spin.

_And she touched him too._

Her bad, resentful side won.

"And what do you expect from me now? A prize? You _slept_ with Amy!" – she hissed, and Liam was momentarily taken aback by the raw pain in her voice.

"There were two people there that night, Karma. Both wanted to hurt you." – Liam clarified, and the fire in Karma's eyes only burned more, her gaze staring him down.

Blaming Liam alone was easier, because from the very beginning he only got involved with her because he thought she was a lesbian, but she knew it was Amy's responsibility too. Even so, she knew she'd forgive Amy a lot easier in the long run, now fully understanding all the events that led up to her doing what she did.

It wasn't Amy's most rational decision, alcohol played a huge part in messing her logical thinking, but the fact remained that a part of her best friend wanted to hurt her in the worst way possible, like she confessed. And she still struggled to come to terms with that realization.

How did she let all of this happen? And could she have stopped this?

"Please leave, Liam." – she said, and the boy sighed, before grabbing his backpack and heading to his next class.

Karma wiped fruitlessly at the tears stubbornly dripping down her cheeks and ran for the hills. She had to get away, she simply had to. Unsurprisingly, she found herself on the roof, her feet hanging above the edge and her mind a thousand miles away. She was scared of heights, but right now, she didn't mind. The rush of adrenaline oddly soothed her.

She gazed at the teenagers chatting on the school grounds, so lost in their own little world, a world she never belonged in. She should've known better. Her train of thought was interrupted by a pair of small arms cautiously tugging at her shoulders, as if asking for permission, then gently embracing her from behind. She turned around and saw sky blue eyes searching hers in such an adoring, concerned way. She was momentarily taken aback by the hard, focused gaze she was receiving and looked away.

Amy slowly wiped her tears with the back of her thumb and took her hand in hers, wordlessly signaling her to move away from the ledge and closer to safety. Amy knew of her fear of heights and, despite her own broken state of mind, she couldn't bear to see Karma torture herself over and over again. Why wasn't she receiving the cold treatment? Hell, even a punch in the face would suffice. She deserved it. She deserved all the hate coming her way. She was awaiting it.

But it never came, not to the degree she was hoping for, at least. Karma hating her guts would've been so much easier. Instead, she appeared so utterly exhausted. She was just..numb. And that frightened Amy. Karma has always been so open, sociable and chatty. Now she was simply broken and it was entirely her fault. She had been the worst friend in the world.

"Karma.." – Amy said, tears filling her eyes also. "Honey, I'm so sorry. If I could take that night back, I would. Hell, I would take that whole day back. It only brought you misery. I don't deserve...I'm the worst friend ever."

The pet name involuntarily slipping past her lips didn't go unnoticed by Karma, though her apology did little to ease the redhead's anxiety and resentment. She could tell her best friend was being sincere, she could tell how regretful she felt and she desperately wanted to forgive and forget, but at the moment, she couldn't find the strength in herself to look past it. It was all too much to bear. It happened, and they had to live with that, had to own up to their mistakes.

But there was one point in Amy's little speech she had to address, regardless.

"Amy, I wouldn't want you to take back that day for anything in the world." – the words came tumbling out of Karma's mouth before she could even process them or think twice about what they meant. "You told me you loved me then." – Karma's voice came smaller and more hesitant, as she stared at the floor absentmindedly.

"I shouldn't have." – Amy replied, and there was something about the way she said it that made Karma's heart ache and her throat dry out. She swallowed painfully, allowing her best friend to continue. "I ruined everything."

In a twisted way, Amy's actions were propelled by her love for Karma. She wanted to say she loved her so much she couldn't bear to see Liam be with her, touching her, kissing her and pretending he could ever know her the way she did. But that would have only made things worse. That reasoning sounded flawed to every sane person around. _But when has the heart given a damn about reason, anyway? - Amy remarked bitterly._

"No, Amy.. Even though I said I.." – Karma sighed, frustrated at herself for not being able to get the words out. "It meant something to me. It still does."

"Karma, it's okay. You don't feel the same way, I understand. Still doesn't justify what I did." – Amy gasped softly, as her best friend's hand found hers.

"I didn't." – Karma said, and instantly panicked, worrying about the way her previous statement could be interpreted. Before allowing a light bulb to turn on in Amy's head and blowing her cover, she quickly added "But it can't have been easy for you to do it."

Amy's expression was unreadable, maybe a bit perplexed. A sigh of relief escaped Karma's lips.

"It wasn't. But I still messed up, Karma. There's no way I can take it back. And it's _killing_ me to know that I've hurt you this way."

Karma looked at Amy, as if seeing her again for the first time. Her puffy eyes, red cheeks, ragged breathing, shaken form and raging guilt...but mostly her heart. Amy didn't even realize it consciously, but Karma knew that look.

Amy was gazing at her the same way she did at the threesome, the same way she did after the homecoming assembly, the same way she did when Karma casually kissed her on the quad, for longer than she should, just to get a caption for the school's Tumblr – adoringly, longingly, like Karma was the most amazing person on Earth and she'd give her all to make her happy.

It was supposed to be easy. Everything about them has always been easy.

"It's killing me too." – Karma whispered, the sound of her voice barely audible over the soft whimpers taking over her body.

"I want to fix it. I'll do anything." – Amy said, the finality in her tone leaving no room for arguing.

"I just need some time.." – Karma said, lifting herself up and grazing her fingers across Amy's arm, before quickly retreating them like they were burning. "Sorry.. You have Reagan to worry about anyway. I'll be fine."

"Reagan?" – Amy's eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. "What about her?"

"I know you've been trying to call her, because every time you do you get this weird look and hang up before the dial tone. I have a feeling it's somehow my fault you're avoiding her. I know it's none of my business but try to patch things up with her.. She loves you and she' s made you the happiest I've seen you in weeks. It's okay. I'll..I'll be waiting."

Amy wanted to argue, but Karma's mouth was set in a firm line. That was Ashcroft for no-buts-just-do-it.

"I don't really know what to say to her, Karms.." – Amy confessed and bit her bottom lip, appearing to be in deep thought.

"It doesn't matter. She'll be happy just to hear your voice, trust me. So, figure it out, buttface." - Karma joked, playfully nudging her shoulder, and for a fleeting moment, they both laughed, immersed in memories of easier times, when it was just their silly nicknames, inside jokes and antics.

It was high time Karma stopped being selfish and did role reversal right. And maybe this time she could ace the timing too. Amy's happiness is everything she ever wanted. Even at this time, it's all she wants for her. She still deserves the best. She felt her heart ache with every breath she took, but she didn't want Amy to see her cry anymore, to see how broken and bruised she really was.

"You're right. Thanks, Karma." – Amy smiled then bit her lip again, cutting short whatever words she was trying to verbalize. She sighed, and eventually decided to voice them anyway. "Can I at least enjoy movie night with my best friend later? It's Friday. I really want to make it up to you, but if it's too weird-" – Amy said, a weak, hopeful smile gracing her features, but Karma interrupted her.

"Only if I get to pick the movie." - Karma almost mustered a laugh.

The redhead wasn't sure spending time with her was the right way for Amy to fix things with her girlfriend, but she couldn't say no to her puppy eyes. She was making an effort to piece their friendship back together, and as conflicted as she was, she knew she wanted that too, more than anything.

She wordlessly agreed, ignoring the emptiness in the pit of her stomach, her thoughts about Liam, her thoughts about Liam and Amy's betrayal, all the while attempting to dismiss the most carefully hidden secret of hers - the way Amy's been making her feel for so long. It was a futile attempt, she's learned that a while ago. But for now, friendship was all she believed she could offer, and still barely.

_One step at a time._


	5. Somewhere With You

After a week of constant tip-toeing around each other, testing the waters and struggling to get back on track, Karma thought it was safe to assume that her and Amy were getting there – slowly, gradually. She no longer avoided looking at Amy and Liam when she saw them around school. Liam even got a hello once, because she was trying to take the high road and be civil. There still was a dull ache in her heart but that ache was little by little being replaced by another - an ache for Amy, one that she had suppressed for so long, it was a wonder she could still lie, because she felt the truth slipping away with each lingering glance.

Of course, no one knew it but herself. Lately, she's been constantly thinking about the only person in the world who could make a donut shirt look stylish.

It wasn't as if Amy hadn't crossed her mind before.

But she was somewhere in the back of it, like a secret she was ashamed of, but at the same time ached to reveal. Unfortunately for her, the shame won. She was ashamed of what she was feeling, she's always been.

She's not like Amy, casually accepting that she fell in love with her oldest and dearest friend, or keeping her calm when questioning her sexuality. There was a thunderstorm raging in her mind and her heart was a war zone.

And in that war, Amy was the brave soldier, calmly shooting bullets unfazed. She, on the other hand, was the one digging herself a trench and hiding in it, praying the enemy didn't get too close. It didn't help much that her brain decided to picture Amy in an army suit on the spot.

_Bad, bad Karma._

She had begun to notice all the small things about Amy that she sometimes overlooked. That cute frown on her brow, the way she lightly tapped her fingers to her chin and her small pout when she was trying to find the answer to a particularly tricky assignment, her focused look when she was staring at her laptop, like it was the most interesting thing in the world, while Karma sat on the bed and scribbled clumsy words, attempting to write a new song.

They just laid there in silence, each struggling with their own thoughts. But when Amy sent a heart melting smile her way, she froze. _"I can't wait to hear your song."_ And suddenly inspiration kept on coming in waves. More like tsunamis.

Amy always knew what to say. Her presence was comforting enough even when she didn't. Sometimes she didn't even have to say a word. Their silence spoke volumes. She could tell Amy was afraid by the way she carefully analyzed each word before verbalizing it, afraid not to hurt Karma anymore. She wanted to assure her multiple times that she shouldn't worry so much, but every single time she tried, the words got stuck in her throat.

She was turning into a twitchy, stammering mess. She was like the prototypical romantic comedy character – the shy girl losing all sense of self, stumbling, falling and making a fool out of herself in front of prince charming. Amy had noticed she was starting to act strangely, and had asked her if she was alright, but she shrugged it off, muttering a soft "yes" every single time.

After all, how could she tell her that she found it hard to breathe in her presence, that every single time her hand touched hers, even for a moment, in the most platonic and casual way, her heart did somersaults?

How _could_ she tell her she longed to be held and fixed by the only person in this world she was certain knew how to? How _could_ she tell her that there's not been a single day she hasn't regretted rejecting her on her mother's wedding day?

But most of all – how could she tell her the words she spoke in that jail cell have been resonating in her mind each night before she went to sleep, and they were the first echo she heard in the morning?

_"I've been in love with you since the day we met."_

Karma let out a long sigh of frustration. She felt a headache coming. And the only place that cured headaches and eliminated any doubt was Amy's room. Again, her feet dragged her there on impulse, before her rational mind even processed the intention of leaving her house. She waved goodbye to her parents and followed the same, familiar path home.

Amy's mother let her in and confessed she was glad her and Amy were friends again. She smiled softly at Farah – _"Your daughter is worth fighting for, Mrs. Raudenfeld."_ , to which Farah gave her an all-knowing look.

She had been fighting for Amy. She had been fighting with herself to be able to forgive her. The good side of her ultimately won, though she was not ready to admit it upfront yet.

What Farah failed to mention, however, was that someone was already in Amy's room. It couldn't be Amy herself, since she has told her she wanted to have a talk with Shane down at the coffee shop, so it had to be someone else. Karma learned the hard way – by nearly bumping into her.

"Reagan?" – she asked, incredulously, before composing herself. She gave her a small greet of compliance, to which the older girl nodded. "What are you doing here?"

Karma felt like instantly slapping herself. She was questioning Amy's girlfriend as to why she was in Amy's room like she had any right to. Reagan, however, merely shrugged her shoulders, even though she wanted to give an acidic comeback, along the lines of – " _You're so territorial it's not even funny anymore."_

"Waiting for Amy. She said she wanted to talk to me." – she replied, instead.

"Oh." – Karma's voice dropped. "I see. I'll uh..leave you to it." – she added, and was prepared to close the door behind her, but Reagan's next words surprised her.

"Wait." – she said. "I've actually been meaning to have a word with you for a while now. It's long overdue."

Karma hesitated, shuffling her feet on the floor of Amy's room nervously. She didn't like Reagan's expression, staring her down.

"What about?" – she asked, almost fearfully.

"Amy." – she said, and Karma felt her heart thump loudly in her chest at the mention of her best friend's name.

"If this is about Communal, I've already apologized. I shouldn't have—"

"It's not about Communal." – Reagan cut in. "I need to know where you stand with Amy."

"She's my best friend. You know that already." – Karma responded, almost on impulse.

"Just that?" – Reagan questioned, and Karma bit her lip and stared at the ground before quickly replying. Her stuttering didn't help her case.

"O-Of course."

Her hesitation said it all, and Reagan immediately read between the lines. She remembered herself, at 15, just as confused and scared. She knew it was the wrong moment, but part of her empathized with Karma's situation.

It was beyond her how she hadn't seen it before. She had a hunch, but maybe Karma really was a good liar, or she had been ignoring the signs due to wishful thinking.

"Karma, I have an anti-bullshit radar. And I don't appreciate people lying to my face." – Reagan said, her tone defensive and harsh.

"Want to know where I stand with Amy? I don't. I've sabotaged her happiness enough already."– Karma replied, not trying to refute anything the brunette just said, but not denying it either.

"How long?" – Reagan questioned and Karma looked like a deer caught in the headlights. She decided to be honest, Reagan had already seen right through her lies.

"The homecoming assembly. Maybe earlier, I don't know –"

"Karma, are you a fucking idiot?" – Reagan huffed, aggressively removing a stubborn strand of hair from her face. "How could you not tell her and play with her feelings like that for so long?"

Karma fell silent. Her body started shaking and her eyes filled with tears. She hated herself for looking so weak, and in front of Amy's girlfriend, of all people.

"You are her first love, damn it!" – Reagan cursed under her breath, and each of her words was like salt on Karma's wounds. "Do you have any idea how tough that is?"

"I'm not _good enough_ for her, alright? Is that what you wanted to hear? Well, here it is. Amy is the most selfless, kind and amazing person I've ever met. _No one_ will ever be good enough for her. She deserves the world – she deserves breakfast in bed and stargazing and grand speeches and _I can't_ give her that. I've missed my chance. I _never_ should've gotten a chance after the way I've been treating her."

Her mouth had gone on autopilot while her brain was casually chilling in the backseat, but it was too late to take it back. "Go ahead, judge me. There's nothing _you_ can say to me that I haven't thought already."

"I'm not judging you, Karma. I just don't understand you." – Reagan confessed, an almost sympathetic look on her face. The position the two girls found themselves in was weird to say the least. There was an unspoken agreement on their faces – they both loved Amy.

After Karma's admission, Reagan found it increasingly harder to hate her for it. She was just a silly teenage girl, frightened by the magnitude of feelings associated with maturity and certainty. Not everyone realizes they've met their soulmate at 15.

"That makes two of us." – Karma sighed, utterly defeated. "Please take good care of her." – she whispered, hopelessly trying to mask her glistening eyes.

Reagan stared at Karma, her expression unreadable. The older girl wanted to say something, anything, but she found herself at a loss for words. Before she even realized it, Karma was long gone.

When she found herself in bed with Liam Booker the next day, Karma realized she was back to square one. Overcompensating. She didn't understand herself.

 _"When I close my eyes, I'm somewhere with you."_ \- the lyrics of a song she's heard playing on the radio the other day obsessively rang in her head. _"I'd rather be somewhere with you.."_


	6. Fix You

Karma only remembered the thunder outside, the rain soaking her clothes and hiding her tears and the sound of her feet clashing with the pavement violently. She ran like there was no tomorrow, and despite the chaos of noisy speeding cars, grumpy strangers cursing the weather, and fading traffic lights, barely guiding the lost home, the chaos in her heart remained unmatched.

She only recalled Liam's confused face and her launching herself at him, kissing him with desperation, desire and urgency never experienced before to that dangerous extent. With every broken kiss, she tried to erase the memories of Amy's lips, how she tasted of mint-flavoured chewing gum and donuts and something else, so sweet and inviting like everything about her.

It all became a blur after that. Through tear stricken eyes, she gazed at Liam's face and guilt settled in like a cold shower on the hottest summer day in recorded history, bringing her numb senses back to life and the realization that she was, indeed, a lost soul, so far past the point of no return she didn't remember what it looked like when she had passed it.

Liam was a good guy. Despite being the most popular boy in school, he wasn't a jerk, he wasn't the archetype of the star player in high school. He had integrity, at times questionable, but still undoubtedly much more than that of the average hormones driven teen and he generally tried to be a good person, which was a lot more than she could say about herself.

At that moment, she was so low on the moral scale of the world, she felt physically sick and disgusted with herself. She loathed and downright despised herself for those poor, morally reprehensible decisions she kept on making.

Liam did sleep with Amy, but she was the moral author behind it all, she set this crazy emotional train in motion. And she has done it again. She played Liam and used him to dispel her insecurities for the night. He didn't deserve it.

It was time for the walk of shame. She untangled herself from his grasp and grabbed her clothes, dressing herself up in a flash. She made a run for it, but realized halfway that she couldn't find her phone. Defeated, she sighed, looked again, then leaned forward to get the precious device from Liam's nightstand, but stopped in the middle of the action, feeling a strong pull on her arm.

"Karma. This..this isn't right." – he said.

Liam Booker – the voice of reason.

"Why do you keep doing this? We both know it's over between us. Just stop – please. Last night was a mistake, and the last one I'll ever make with you."

Karma wanted to apologize but under the weight of his disappointed, heartbroken look, she couldn't say a thing.

"I met someone at Skwerkel. " – he said, out of the blue. "And she tried to kiss me yesterday. I pulled away because I thought I still wanted you."

Karma looked away in shame.

"But I was wrong. I don't. Not anymore." – he uttered the words with such finality, she only nodded mutely. "Figure out what you want, Karma."

She was in the doorway, her face shielded from his sight, when she uttered an apology, this time meaning it.

"I'm sorry, Liam." – she said and the sound of her own voice sounded alien to her ears. She didn't know who she was anymore.

She walked outside, welcoming the chilly morning air, its touch offering her temporary contentment. She began to take shaken steps towards her house. When she got home, her parents took note of her disheveled appearance, but didn't say anything. They were clueless, after all.

She didn't know how much time she actually spent in the shower. She allowed herself to cry, the sound of the water running drowning her sobs and its warm touch alleviating her pain. She grabbed a towel and walked out. When she passed the mirror, the blurry reflection staring back at her was one she couldn't recognize anymore. She's seen it so many times, but right now it felt oddly disconnected from reality. She felt like a stranger living in an alternate universe. And that alternate universe was her worst nightmare.

She got dressed in a clean change of clothes and decided she'd spend the day indoors, watching sappy movies, with the occasional pity-parties and self-loathing. Her phone buzzed and she was snapped out of her gloomy thoughts.

" _3 missed calls from Amy."_

Karma immediately dialed back, fearing the worst.

"Aimes?" – Karma whispered, hearing Amy's ragged breathing on the other line. "Are you there?"

"Karma..could you come over? Please." – Amy's hoarse, trembling voice came, eventually, so small it was barely audible.

Karma felt the air leave her lungs. The only other time she's heard Amy's voice sound so weak and utterly defeated was at the wedding. She had a dreadful hunch that something was seriously wrong.

In a heartbeat, Karma rushed out the door, not even bothering to dry her hair. Hell, catching pneumonia was the least of her worries. Amy needed her. And this time, she'd be damned if she wouldn't do _anything_ in her power to make it right.

She climbed the stairs to Amy's room so fast it was a wonder she didn't trip and fell flat on her face. When she opened the door, the sight before her made her stomach twist into painful knots and her heart drop.

Amy's eyes were red and puffy, her shoulders slouched and her bottom lip was trembling. She was on the bed, hugging her knees to her chest and sobbing. Karma rushed to her side without a shred of hesitation.

"Amy.." – Karma whispered, approaching her wounded best friend cautiously. She began to rub her arms gently in what she hoped was a soothing manner. The sobs ceased, for the moment, but soft whimpers could still be heard escaping Amy's lips. "Sweetie, what's wrong?"

Amy looked down and bit her lip hard. Karma's hand found hers, in an attempt to stop her from hurting herself, but the calming effect it had on her was short-lived. Amy's body began to shake violently soon after.

"Please tell me this is a bad dream, Karma. Please tell me this is not happening." – Amy broke down, and Karma could only watch, helplessly. "Reagan broke up with me."

Karma's eyes widened in shock, as guilt encompassed her whole being. Did her conversation with Reagan cause this? Was she the one responsible for Amy's unbearable pain yet again?

"How did this happen?" – Karma whispered, a fearful look on her face. She was petrified of the answer.

"We got into this serious talk and she told me she felt that I was unable to fully commit to her because I was still hung up on.." – Amy's voice trailed off, but they both knew what the real missing word was. "Someone else." – Amy added and wiped her tears furiously. "I had reassured her so many times before that it wasn't true but now I just stood there. I didn't say anything. _Why_ the hell didn't I say anything? I just _froze_. And when I saw her slipping away, I panicked and I told her I loved her."

"What'd she say?"

"That she knows, and that she does too, but it's not enough, and she's hoping we can remain friends. She said she's doing it for me. I don't understand." – Amy said, her words coming out a jumbled mess. Karma had to strain to understand her, amidst the tears.

"This is all my fault." – Karma eventually confessed, and Amy's look was of utter confusion and perplexity.

"What do you mean?"

Karma stopped herself before revealing the truth about the conversation she's had with Reagan.

"If I hadn't been so damn territorial and needy, none of this would have happened." – the redhead sighed, regretfully, and Amy's next gesture took her by surprise.

Amy leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Karma, resting her head on her shoulder. Karma felt like she was being unraveled inside.

"No, Karma. You didn't do anything wrong. This is..this is all me." – Amy said, and hid her look from Karma's searching, piercing green eyes. She always felt that her best friend didn't just look at her - she saw the depths of her soul.

"Don't say that, Amy. You didn't do anything wrong either." – Karma said, breaking the hug. A strange impulse controlled her next move. She wiped Amy's tears with her thumb, her fingers resting on her face for a couple seconds longer than they should. Realizing her action, she quickly retreated her hand and sheltered her gaze, but Amy took hold of her hand and intertwined their fingers.

"I tried so hard, you know? I tried so hard to move on, hell, I went to a damn lesbian café once and made a total fool out of myself. But then I found Reagan and I thought.." – Amy's voice trailed off.

 _I thought I could get over you_.

That thought remained unspoken but the fact that she had it was proof enough that she couldn't blame Reagan for her decision. Reagan has done what she couldn't – be honest with herself.

"I know. Believe me. " – Karma said. "I know."

Amy let go of her hand and hesitantly held her gaze, slightly embarrassed by her next request.

"Could you like..hold me? Please? I don't mean to be a crybaby but I could really use—" – Amy rambled, but Karma interrupted her.

_That's what's going to fix me._

"Of course, Amy. I'll stay here for as long as you need me to. "- Karma reassured. _Even forever, if you'll have me._

Karma laid down on the bed, and extended her arm, welcoming Amy in a comforting embrace.

"Come here, silly. It's going to be alright." – she whispered into Amy's ear.

The blonde grabbed her side almost desperately, burying her head in her neck and allowing herself to cry on her best friend's shoulder. Karma knew it was wrong, but she couldn't help but smile earnestly, as she caressed Amy's head, running her fingers through her hair.

She wished the context was different, but the feel of Amy's body so close to her soothed her and healed her scars little by little. She just hoped and prayed that Amy didn't feel her pulse speed up. She felt wrong for enjoying it as much as she did. But she had lost all willpower to fight it. She was simply exhausted. Having been tangled in a web of her own lies for so long, it felt good to live her moment of truth.


	7. Like I Was Supposed To Do

A bright ray of morning light crept through the window and was casted on Karma Ashcroft's sleepy face. Groggily, she half-opened her eyes, but the images were still blurry. She only registered feeling a ticklish sensation on her nose. Rubbing her eyes, the surroundings gradually became clearer and Karma's heart went into overdrive, her head started spinning and she blushed all the way down to her toes.

Amy's gorgeous strands of blonde hair were spread all over her face and, sometime during their sleep, the roles have been reversed and now Karma was the one holding onto Amy's side and resting her head on her shoulder. The scent of her best friend's perfume made Karma feel lightheaded but, at the same time, calmed her nerves and, for the life of her, she couldn't find the strength to move an inch.

She must've looked funny – gaping mouth, wide eyes and incredulous expression, but her outer visage was the least of her concerns. Her thoughts were entirely consumed by Amy, as dozens of mixed images flashed in her mind at a quick pace, barely distinguishable from one another. She could only accurately identify and focus on a few, precious memories of the two of them when they were little, because the sound of her increased heartbeat was buzzing in her ears, making her dizzy.

It felt nice. No, more than just nice. Nice couldn't even begin to cover it. She could only describe the feeling she was currently experiencing as elation or euphoria, or simply pure bliss. She felt so protected and at ease, as if for a moment the world stopped spinning and there was only the quiet stillness of a precious moment encompassing two souls bound to be with each other, a moment shared in a way that was uniquely theirs. No one else could even get close to understanding its gravity or value.

They both felt that there was the real world, and then there was their own little world, encapsulated in it. Sometime they craved the change, the captivating new experiences, but, at the end of the day, they always returned to their own little safe haven to find their peace, their self. Their world made sense when the real world kept getting increasingly darker, confusing and unpredictable. Their world offered truth, security and a sense of home.

Karma's heart soared when she felt Amy place her hand on top of hers, compelling her to pull her body closer on instinct. Amy had done it unconsciously, she was still sound asleep, but the gesture took Karma's breath away. She realized it then that, to any bystander, they looked like a happy couple during the honeymoon phase.

Karma sighed and tried to ban the image from her mind, doing little to succeed. She couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to wake up next to Amy every morning, to have the privilege of admiring her beauty up close and realizing, with each passing moment spent next to her just how lucky she was.

" _Maybe we should just marry each other."_

Needless to say, the answer was obvious. It would be like a dream come true. " _Too bad you missed your chance, Karma."_ \- the rational part of her cruelly intervened as a reminder of her mistakes. Instead of dwelling too much on her dark thoughts, she decided to enjoy now, bask in it and burn this exact moment into her memory forever.

So, she did just that. She studied Amy's stunning features – the perfect curve of her lips, the shape of her chin, her flawlessly curved eyelashes, her alluring blonde hair framing her face perfectly and falling upon her shoulders in gentle waves.. She tried to memorize each detail about her, tried to memorize the way her body felt so close to her. She knew it sounded corny, but, to her, even though Amy's mascara had run down her cheeks and she had cried herself to sleep last night, she still managed to look breathtakingly beautiful.

There was an angelic, almost ethereal glow to Amy and she wondered how could she not have noticed before, during all the times they've fallen asleep next to each other. Maybe she never did pay enough attention. Or maybe it was because this was the first time they've woken up in this intimate position and nothing felt weird about it, rather natural, for lack of a better term.

She couldn't tear her gaze away. All rational thinking seemed to have escaped her mind for a fleeting moment. She gave into her impulses and gently removed her hand from Amy's side and lift it up to slowly caress the sensitive skin on the back of her neck. Amy sighed in her sleep, visibly relaxing.

Karma wanted nothing more than to cup her face and kiss her right then. And that knowledge petrified her once more.

Feeling Amy stir in her arms, she stopped, cursing herself for her lack of self-control. The blonde's beautiful baby blues shot open and Karma promptly closed her green orbs in a pitiful attempt to pretend she was still asleep. Too bad the sound of her loud heartbeat in the monumental quiet of the room was enough to scare off an elephant. So much for being discrete and not blowing her cover.

"Hey, you." – Amy said, gently untangling herself from the redhead's grasp and turning to face her. Karma thought her best friend's hoarse, morning voice was the sexiest sound she's ever heard.

_Get it together, Karma._

Karma felt paralyzed, and could only stare dumbly. She couldn't believe how calm Amy was, while she was freaking out and nearly having a panic attack.

"You're staring." - Amy remarked, mildly amused. "Do I have eye boogers or what?"

Amy tried to stop her brain from conjuring up a recurring dream she's had after the homecoming assembly, starting with the exact same line she just spoke.

"What? I wasn't staring." – Karma attempted to deny it, her voice rising in pitch. She was being so obvious she felt like face palming repeatedly. "Just admiring your lovely bed head, buttface." – she joked and Amy threw a pillow across her face.

"Shut it, Ashcroft." – she laughed wholeheartedly and Karma couldn't help but feel a sense of personal pride for being able to get Amy to smile again.

The sound of their laughter came to a halt and they just looked at each other for a moment. It was one of those moments that required no words. Karma instantly visualized a similar, romantic comedy type of setting, in which the two protagonists meet and everyone but them seems to know they're soul mates bound to end up with each other. She remembered Amy telling her once that those movies were hardly believable, toothache inducing and downright stupid.

Normally, she'd agree, but right then she wanted nothing more than to pretend it was a believable scenario, that it could happen to her. Or maybe it already did, the moment she decided to befriend the blonde tomboy at the playground instead of anyone else.

"Karma..?" – Amy said, snapping Karma out of her daze. "I wanted to thank you for coming over last night. You have no idea how much it meant to me."

Karma's lips curved upwards into a small, genuine smile. But regret soon sunk in. She didn't deserve those sweet words after prompting Reagan to step away. She didn't deserve to be the one waking up next to Amy. She blew it again but she was determined to make it right.

"That's what best friends are for, right?" – Karma said, awkwardly. Why did she feel the need to reinforce that label constantly?

She thought she saw Amy's expression switch to disappointed for a second, but attributed it to her crazy delusions.

"Right." – she said. "Be right back."

Amy went to the bathroom and Karma quickly took advantage of the situation to snoop through Amy's phone. That invasion of privacy served a greater purpose, Karma rationalized, in order to feel less guilty – she had to get Reagan's number and have a serious talk with the older girl. Quickly adding the number to her agenda, Karma put Amy's phone back.

When the blonde returned from the bathroom, Karma tried to avoid looking at her.

"So..breakfast?" – she asked. "I'm starving."

"Thought you'd never ask." – Karma said, and allowed Amy to grab her hand and lead her to the kitchen. Of course, Amy insisted on racing on their way downstairs, and Karma intentionally fell behind to make her happy.

From here on out, she was going to do _everything_ in her power to make Amy happy, even if by doing that she would endure a pain far greater than she was ready to admit. Amy had suffered so much more for her sake, she has been so selfless and brave through it all - her irrational pursuit of Liam, her selfish, inconsiderate acts, her rejection.

" _You know what they say, if you love something, set it free."_ – Amy's heartbreaking words spoken on her birthday kept ringing in her head and it seemed that only now was she fully capable of grasping their meaning.

Karma had no intention of second guessing her decisions, the goal was clear and her mind was set on achieving it. From across the table, Karma gave Amy her best smile, as convincing as she could muster it, one that successfully concealed any traces of pain or heartbreak. She tried to hide her glistening eyes when Amy reciprocated.

It was time she put her best friend first. She deserved at least this much from her.


	8. Big Girls Don't Cry

Karma stared blankly at the ceiling, her grasp on the phone so strong she feared she'd break it any minute. Why was she so hesitant about calling Reagan? It wasn't as if she could possibly make things any worse for Amy. She could, however, make them better, if she stopped being such a baby. Meddling or scheming is what she did, and, usually, the consequences were negative for those involved, despite her most honest intentions or the fact that, in most instances, she only meant to help. She just hoped it wouldn't be the case this time.

The biggest problem was figuring out exactly what to say. She's tried replaying over a dozen of different lines in her head, planning the conversation ahead so as to not determine Reagan to hang up in her face after five seconds, but she still struggled with it, because none of her attempts sounded right. She sighed and blew a strand of hair from her eyes.

 _That's it. This is ridiculous. -_ she berated herself for her cowardice.

Dismissing her fears, she eventually decided to dial the number. _Here goes nothing_.

"Hello?" - the brunette answered after a couple of seconds, her voice sounding strained and guttural. Karma took a guess that she had cried just as much as Amy did last night. If she felt guilty before, she now doubled that amount. Karma was planning on being extra persuasive (perhaps bordering on aggressive) in order to convince Reagan that she had made a huge mistake, but after hearing the girl speak, she wasn't sure whether or not to go with a different approach.

"Reagan, it's Karma." – she greeted, simply. _What a great opening, Ashcroft._

"How'd you get my number?" – the older girl huffed, indignantly.

"Not important." – Karma quickly shushed her. "Tell me, why would you want to ruin the best thing that's ever happened to you?"

"I could ask you the same question." – Reagan replied, defensively.

"Oh, cut the bullshit already. This isn't about me, this is about you. Amy's a mess and she keeps blaming herself. Don't you think she deserves at least an explanation or some closure?"

"I already gave her one. " – Reagan said in a low, broken tone.

"Oh, you mean the cryptic talk about how you're doing it for her sake and she's the one to blame for not committing to you? What more do you want, Reagan, her hand in marriage?"

Halfway through, Karma realized that was a low blow, but she was fuming. She was so angry at the brunette, the image of a fragile, hurt Amy plaguing her mind. She had no right to feel that way, but she did.

She tried to ignore the other images her brain instantly conjured up, of all the times _she_ hurt Amy instead. Well, she already hated herself, and there was more where that had come from to pass onto innocent, unsuspecting people, like Reagan.

So much for taking the high road and making things right.

"Amy wants _you,_ alright?" – Karma said, and something about her tone compelled Reagan to rethink her following words.

"She might _want_ me, but she _needs_ you." – Reagan muttered under her breath and Karma could only keep silent, waiting for her to continue. "I love Amy and I know she loves me too, but we'll never..we could never share what you two have."

"We're best friends, Reagan. That's it."- Karma cut in.

"No, it's more than that, okay? I like clubbing and living the night life, and she likes watching movies and laying low and she's been such a sweetheart for trying to be a part of my world and for going on this camping trip with me but at the end of the day, no matter where we are or what we do, if you call, she'll be there in a heartbeat. She'll always chose you over me regardless of how hard she tries not to. And I can't have that." – Reagan said, and Karma could tell she was on the verge of crying. "I can't be anyone's second choice."

"I can't stop being Amy's best friend either, Reagan.. But I want her to be happy just as much as you do, and believe me, she's been _so happy_ next to you. Look, I'm done being a selfish, self-centered bitch. That's why I'm calling you instead of running off to tell Amy how I really feel. It wouldn't matter anyway, because she doesn't even feel that way about me anymore so what's stopping you? She loves you and we both know it." – Karma sighed and tried to mask the subtle cracks in her voice.

"I know she does. Just not the way she loves you, Karma. Amy could _never_ love someone else as much as she loves you. " – Reagan said and Karma was beginning to feel utterly frustrated for not getting through to her.

"Reagan, come on—"

"You should check out Amy's laptop sometime. " - Reagan said, out of the blue, and confusion washed over Karma's features.

"What are you talking about?"

"If you have any doubts as to where Amy's heart truly lies, there's something there that should clear that up. Serves me right for wanting to kill time until she returned home. " – Reagan almost mustered a laugh at the irony of the situation and Karma felt a sort of emptiness in the pit of her stomach. What could Reagan be possibly referring to? For some reason, she wasn't sure she wanted to find out herself.

"Karma." – the brunette called out and Karma was snapped out of her daze, rather harshly.

"What?"

"Don't blow it, alright? - Reagan mumbled. Karma wondered briefly if it was just her imagination, playing tricks on her or if Reagan was really meaning to give Karma her blessing. It didn't make sense. The only reason the redhead had called was to convince Reagan to get back together with her best friend, not let her go or step aside for her sake. It was precisely what she wanted to avoid. It wasn't right.

"What do you mean? Why would you even—"

"Because I _was_ you, Karma. I know what it's like. Just be honest with yourself. And if you hurt Amy again, this time I will take the liberty of kicking your ass." – Reagan said, and there was something about that overprotective statement which made it increasingly harder for Karma to dislike the girl. Reagan was a good person caught in the wrong whirlwind of emotions and words unspoken, at the wrong time.

"That's what I'm afraid of, alright?" – Karma confessed, before she could even process it. There she was, baring her soul, and in front of Amy's girlfriend, again. Well, ex-girlfriend, thanks to her big mouth. It didn't get much weirder than that. But come to think of it, Karma's never had anyone to discuss these complex issues with. "Look, I called you because I knew that if you got back together with Amy, you'd treat her a lot better than I ever could. I'm a mess."

"You think you're the only one who's ever been afraid, Karma?" – Reagan said, exasperated. "For crying out loud, get over yourself. You won't face those fears alone if you decide to take a chance. I just can't be that person for Amy anymore. She can only be fixed by what's broken her."

Karma fell silent, the brunette's words ringing in her head. Before she could dwell on them any further, Reagan spoke again.

" _You_ 'd better take good care of her. " – she said and was about to hang up, when Karma's quiet, unsure voice reached her ears.

"Reagan?" – she said, softly, hearing the other girl's breathing on the other side, as a sort of quiet reassurance for her to continue. "Thank you."

After she hung up, Reagan took a minute to let it all out. She cried in her room, away from prying eyes. But it didn't last long, she couldn't allow herself to be weakened, broken and bruised by her feelings again. After all, part of her has always seen it coming.

She straightened herself up, grabbed her leather jacket and ran off the door. It was time for another gig, another distraction, maybe another hollow overcompensation for the night. But she knew she would be alright in the end. She had to do what she had to do _. And big girls don't cry._

_She can only be fixed by what's broken her._

The irony hurt more than she cared to admit.


	9. If Eyes Could Speak

Mending Amy's broken heart was going to be a daunting task that required utmost consideration, just the right amount of ice cream, cookie dough and cake frosting, the right balance between heart talks and humor, along with the complete avoidance of romantic comedies. Karma Ashcroft was never one to back down from a challenge - when she set her mind to something, she went all out. Even more so when it concerned Amy.

Karma knew it was vital to be extra careful in her quest– her best friend could successfully fool everyone at school that she was okay, but Karma knew better. She was still fragile and sensitive, but masked it using a dose of sarcasm that should be way beyond the allowed limit. She wondered, briefly, if Amy's increased use of sarcasm and wit was a defense mechanism.

Sometimes she'd catch her stare out the window or checking her phone in hopes of receiving a long awaited text from Reagan, and then quickly flashing her an almost apologetic smile for the state of her morale – which was still down in the dumps. Just like Amy to hide her real state of mind behind false smiles to not affect her best friend's mood too. In order to fix the situation, past Karma would have instantly suggested a stupid (and obvious) solution – find a rebound, go to a party, meet new people. _After all, who wouldn't fall for you?_

Present Karma dreaded the idea so much it made her sick to her stomach. She didn't want Amy seeing other people, and her track record was proof of just that – on the one hand, she wanted her best friend to hook up with that Brazilian girl, but her subconscious was apparently not ready, and she got "lost" in translation. Her impossibly calm and collected behavior at Communal proved that she was totally fine with Amy finding someone else. Totally.

Who was she kidding? When she heard Amy say " _I was in love with you"_ , she felt like someone ripped her heart out, stomped on it and let it bleed on the floor. But of course, she played it cool, as always.

Liam, the unexpected voice of reason, had to expose her for her lies, he just had to phrase it like that– _"You're just afraid Amy might someday love someone as much as she loves you"_ to mess with her head further, as if there was not enough chaos in there already. The truth was that she wasn't afraid of Amy cutting down on their time together as best friends to spend time with Reagan, she was afraid of Amy moving on because deep down inside she didn't want that.

One thing she knew for sure – she didn't want Amy seeing someone else. She could admit to at least this much.

Which was why she was going to do everything in her power to get Amy to feel better. Her mother was right – the Ashcrofts were the resident experts at grand gestures of affection, and also royally screwing things up in a heartbeat to then struggle to fix them for ages. Or maybe that was just her small contribution to the family heritage. Her brother, Zen, was the embodiment of perfection, even though he was adopted, and she was just..herself.

Karma decided to keep her feelings for Amy in her box of things-I-never-address-but-I-probably-should just a little longer, to put her doubts and confusion on hold, and spend all of her free time focusing on Amy and her happiness.

She started with the little things – bringing Amy donuts in the mornings. The blonde might've been moping around, but the moment she saw the delicious treats, her eyes lit up, her mouth started watering and she momentarily forgot. A good way to start. When Amy asked, in her adorably oblivious way – _"What's the occasion?",_ she could only get herself to use a humorous approach _"Food for the lovesick, buttface, eat up."_ When it turned into a daily occurrence, it became apparent that her excuse was flawed. She did it because she wanted to.

Then she orchestrated the best movie marathons on Netflix and stepped up the game for their traditional girls weekend. Amy's favorite movies and favorite foods, needless to say. If she had to stand through two hours of footage about child slavery in Bangladesh or any other topic Amy was interested in, she'd do it. She realized, halfway, that those movies weren't boring, quite the contrary. They were interesting and raised awareness on topics far beyond Karma's little "Me" world. She tended not to see beyond it, most of the time.

She realized she had neglected Amy for a long time, apparently doing things to please her once in a while, but never paying enough attention to her interests. She had made it all about her instead. Now she felt like she could understand Amy better and began to truly see a side of her she's never bothered to observe properly.

Amy really was selfless.

She was always concerned with the people around her, with what was happening on a larger scale. It went beyond Amy's constant concern with her best friend's wellbeing. It was just the type of human being that she was. She rarely stopped to worry about herself. On the other hand, Karma was..well, she was the exact opposite, but she was slowly realizing that she ached to change that part of herself.

When a repeat of the popcorn bowl incident happened, and Amy accidentally placed her hand on hers, she didn't freak out. This time around she just smiled and quietly assured her that it was okay. She didn't mind. She could tell Amy was nervous as hell by the way she ducked her head shyly, a light blush dusting her cheeks.

Karma secretly found it adorable.

The most significant moment happened at Karma's house one Saturday night, a couple of weeks after Reagan and Amy's break up. The latter was slowly making progress, she was starting to feel a little less miserable each day, and she knew she had her best friend to thank for her incredible support. The ache was still there, but it was healing with each passing day.

Amy came barging in her room, like she had done a hundred times before, taking advantage of the fact that Karma's parents weren't home and they could hang out there, nearly giving her best friend a heart attack in the process. The redhead was sitting on her bed, guitar in hand, wracking her brain for the right words she needed in order to finish a song she's been working on forever. There were sheets of paper scattered all around and Amy watched, amused, as Karma went into overdrive. She was so frustrated and hopeless, and when Amy laughed, she could only roll her eyes playfully.

"Raudenfeld, laugh at me again and you're out the door. This is serious business, alright?" – Karma said, as means of greeting. "I'm done being the Katy Perry to your Rihanna, just call me that-obscure-artist-who-made-a-hit-once-and-now-nobody-remembers-her-name."

Amy burst into laughter yet again, finding her best friend's struggle a lot more amusing than she should. She stopped herself when Karma glared at her. The redhead was trying to give her best "evil look" but she failed miserably. Her gaze always softened around Amy. It was a subtle change in her expression that she wasn't even aware of, a look destined only for princess donut herself.

"It can't be that bad. " – the blonde said, picking up a random piece of paper and reading its contents. "You're so cute I feel like throwing up?" – she read out loud and attempted to cover up her giggles.

Karma sighed in response, burying her head momentarily in a nearby pillow, her gesture signaling complete surrender.

"Okay, it is that bad." – Amy corrected herself, her smile so infectious Karma couldn't help but mirror it, though a part of her wanted to wipe that huge grin off her face, pronto.

_Maybe with a kiss._

" _Focus on the task at hand, Karma." –_ she scolded herself and prayed she wasn't blushing, because she felt like all the blood in her body rushed to her cheeks.

Her struggle was real, it was. She hasn't had such bad songwriter's block in ages. She remembered that day of the school protest when she performed one of her songs in front of the whole student body. She felt such an amazing rush. She liked the attention. Well, lately, she's _lived_ for that attention. But maybe it went beyond that - maybe she craved the acknowledgement, the recognition that she was good enough.

But there was something else going on also – she was baring her soul. She had worked a lot on that song, and the words just kept on coming, like they were supposed to. This time it was a whole different story.

When she sang on that stage, she was being honest with herself, letting the words pour out of her like she had nothing to lose. Of course, she proceeded to blow it by giving the impression that she only performed to impress Liam. The truth was she needed a valid excuse to get up on that stage.

She then went on to strike two – after all, she had a marvelous flair for screwing things up. She gazed at Liam the whole time, avoiding Amy's look, attempting to convince herself that the song wasn't about her best friend.

 _When I'm with you, I don't have to hide. When I'm with you, I can be myself.._ Of course it was about Amy. She never was herself around Liam. Not even once.

"I thought you overcame that affliction. You know, the whole cute-boys-make-me-barf thing." – Amy said, eventually, and Karma blinked a couple of times, her best friend's voice calling her back from La-La-Land.

Of course Amy would assume the lyrics were all about Liam or any other guy. Why wouldn't she?

Karma merely shrugged at that statement.

"I don't get it, Karma. The first verse and the pre-chorus are so beautifully written and raw and honest and then..." – Amy paused, gathering her thoughts. "It's like you hide, or try to focus more on impression instead of expression, know what I mean?"

Karma rested her chin against her hand, the wheels in her head turning, attempting to process her best friend's words. No one's phrased it like that before, and come to think of it, it made all the sense in the world. Karma wrote the first verse and pre-chorus after Amy expressed her excitement about hearing her new song. It was that which prompted the inspiration to come.

Then she couldn't write a damn word. There was so much to say, and she tried to express it but ended up butchering it because she didn't want to make it too obvious. Suddenly, she became aware of Amy's proximity, studying her preoccupied look, and a small shiver passed through her body.

"Remember what you told me before the wedding, the whole speaking from the heart thing? Well, sometimes that works. Not all the time but.." – Amy's voice got quieter towards the end of the sentence. They both established the wedding was a taboo topic, and whenever one of them brought it up, the tension in the room got so thick you could cut it with a knife. "Think of what it is you're feeling and just let it all out. There's no judging. Hell, me and your cats will love your performance anyway. Pinky promise."

Karma wanted nothing more than to kiss her senseless right then, because what she said was so adorable and perfect and suddenly she knew exactly what she wanted to say with her song. She had to restrain herself and ban the thoughts from her mind. Thankfully, Amy's next words came like a thunderstorm – tumbling down, out of nowhere, and when she'd least expect them.

"I'm sure Liam will like it too, if that's what you're concerned about." – Amy reassured her, and Karma couldn't gaze her way.

"It's not about Liam." – she said, simply, no longer caring if she made it obvious. "He and I are over. "

"Oh." – Amy replied, lamely, her mouth agape. She was dumbfounded, flabbergasted and astounded. Sure she's seen Karma giving Liam the cold shoulder at school on multiple occasions, but she knew Karma was sneaky like that. She was more of a sexy secret affair, art room make out sort of girl. Amy thought her best friend had eventually forgiven Liam and they were back together, at least secretively. After all, he's been everything she's talked about since the beginning of the school year. She's always wanted him. Right?

Amy was dying to ask who the song was about, if not Liam. Had Karma met someone else she didn't tell her about? Maybe she had been so busy helping her get over breaking up with Reagan that she hadn't had time to tell her all about it, she rationalized. She wanted to ask, but decided against it.

Karma would spill the beans when she was ready. Now that their friendship was back on track, she would tell her and Amy would listen, like she always did, pretending that it didn't feel like someone was repeatedly sticking knives in her heart. _Stop it, Amy. That ship sunk a long time ago._

"Amy, can I ask you something?" – Karma whispered and as soon as she did, she had the sudden urge to cover her mouth. She tended to speak or act before she judged things carefully dangerously often lately.

Amy's ears already perked up in interest, so she couldn't back down this time.

"I know this is going to sound super weird and uncomfortable and I get it if you don't want to talk about it, but it's just that I don't have anyone else to talk to about stuff like this and it's not as if I could ask my parents so –" – Karma's speech turned into a jumbled, rushed mess. _Breathe, Karma. Inhale, exhale, you know the drill._

"Okay, deep breaths, Karma." – Amy giggled. "You know you can ask me anything. I'll do what I can if it gets you to stop acting like a twitchy, hyperactive hamster."

Karma laughed at the comparison because it was spot on. She knew how ridiculous she must've sounded, but that was the least of her worries. What she was about to say, on the other hand, was hanging above her like a cloud of smoke, swallowing her. She was immersed in it, and she desperately wanted to escape it, but she couldn't. She had to do it.

"How do you know you're in love with someone?" – Karma asked, eventually, and a monumental silence set in the room.

Amy's eyes widened. She opened and closed her mouth repeatedly, no words coming out.

What did Karma say again?

"I mean.." – Karma cleared her throat awkwardly. "How uh..how did _you_ know?"

Amy was too stunned to speak.

When her brain freeze eventually stopped and she could form coherent thoughts once again, she couldn't help but ask herself – why the hell would Karma want to open that old wound and ask _her_ about love, out of all people? Karma wasn't cruel, she knew that. She wouldn't do it on purpose anyway. Instead of asking upfront, Amy tried to read the situation and decipher Karma's facial expressions.

Her best friend looked so torn and vulnerable and Amy was momentarily stunned. Karma must've had a good reason for asking. She'd just go along with it. She didn't want to dwell too much on figuring out her reasoning.

"I guess I've always known. " – Amy replied, eventually, a serene, faraway quality about her gaze. Karma swallowed the painful knot stuck in her throat. She really regretted asking.

"I just didn't piece everything together because I knew that, if I did, I would be too scared of the truth. Then we kissed and.."

Karma held her breath, waiting for her best friend to compose herself. Amy's next words shocked her to the core.

"Nothing made sense, but at the same time, everything did, you know?" – Amy said, gathering up all her courage to remove her gaze from her trembling hands, nervously fumbling with the sleeve of her hoodie, and meet Karma's soulful green orbs halfway.

"It felt like a rude awakening from a deep sleep. On the one hand, I wanted to wake up, someday, just not like that and not at that moment. I knew I would risk everything if I acknowledged reality, so I tried to pretend I was still sound asleep."

Amy was sure she didn't make any sense. What's with the sudden use of metaphors, anyway? And clumsy ones at that. Well, Karma always made her inner romantic come up for air, briefly, before her cynical nature, and dry wit scared it off, suffocated it and buried it deep back again. She tried to deny the existence of that small part of herself, but there she was, speaking like she was in a Nicholas Sparks novel. What she didn't realize was that Karma was focusing intently on her every word.

"I'm sorry, that doesn't make any sense, I'm probably not being of much help to you—" – Amy attempted to finish her sentence, but Karma gently interrupted her, the quiet, unusually breathy tones of her voice taking both of them by surprise.

"Were you scared?" – she asked, almost cautiously.

"To death." – Amy confessed. "There is no one on Earth I'd ever be more frightened of losing. I knew that if I lost you, I'd lose a part of myself I'd never get back. That thought kept me up every night."

Karma's heart soared. Amy had voiced one of her darkest fears.

"You assured me that I could never lose you, on that wedding day, but I still felt like I had the moment I let those words out. I didn't plan on telling you, it just slipped out. I couldn't hold it in anymore, you know? And Shane had this crazy delusion in his head that you felt the same way so I just..went for it. " – Amy said and a slight tremble took over her body.

Karma listened intently and watched Amy's struggle helplessly, guilt fully sinking in. Her stupid question had caused Amy to go through the motions again, after she was barely recuperating from another emotional rollercoaster, partly caused by her, once again.

She didn't have the heart to correct her, to tell her that she has felt the same way all along, just didn't know. Maybe she didn't want to know, maybe she was clueless, maybe she simply didn't understand herself or was too wrapped up in Liam to notice her own feelings shifting. Or maybe, just like Amy, she was too scared to let her mind go there and chose to stay in a peaceful state of slumber too.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is you truly love someone the moment you can't imagine a world without them in it." – Amy said with such certainty and finality, Karma couldn't help but stare in awe.

"B-but why me?" – Karma stuttered softly, her insecurities rising back to the surface. "I don't understand."

"Why _not_ you?" – the blonde said, solemnly. "What's there not to love?"

Karma couldn't take it anymore. She lunged herself at the blonde, tears streaming down her face, as she wrapped her arms around her, holding on for dear life. Amy couldn't care less that her best friend was soaking up her favorite hoodie, she just closed her eyes and held her, not knowing what to do or what to say.

She feared she had said too much and made Karma uncomfortable. The redhead asked and she delivered, though she didn't attempt to make it sound so personal. She was scared to admit that those were the most raw and true words she's ever spoken, disregarding the confession. Did she even feel that way anymore? _Don't. – she reminded herself, obsessively._

Amy broke the hug and let out an awkward laugh in order to ease the tension.

"Don't get all weepy on me, Ashcroft. Whoever he is, you'll know when the time comes. And he'd be crazy not to fall for your charm, if you don't barf first, that is." – Amy said, and Karma laughed through glistening eyes, in spite of herself.

"I'll try not to." – Karma said. "You know you're the best friend anyone could ask for, right?" – she added, sincerely. There was so much more she wanted to say, but she couldn't.

"I know. I am pretty great."- Amy said, smugly, to which Karma rolled her eyes.

"So, Shane has this party next week." – Karma said, changing the subject. "I know you hate parties but I figured we could go, check it out and leave if it gets weird."

"Like last time?" – Amy said.

"Let's hope it won't be the case." – Karma giggled. "So..will you go? We can make fun of people together, like the old days, before all the drama. Please?"

"Fine. Count me in." – Amy sighed. She never could resist those pleading pools of green. It's what got her into the whole faking it fiasco in the first place.


	10. Realize

Karma tossed and turned, hopelessly attempting to get some sleep but failing miserably for the third night in a row. 2:30 – her phone read and the bright light of the device caused Karma to squint her eyes in annoyance and sigh in defeat. It was pointless. Try as she might, her eyes would close, but her mind wouldn't shut the hell up. It seemed to have a particularly noisy conversation with her heart, one of those never-ending lose-lose arguments, because neither side was willing to compromise for the sake of her peace, quiet and sanity.

_"If you need to stand out, then I'm going to help make that happen."_

" _You make me happy."_

_"I was afraid I'd lose you."_

" _How do you do it? Know me better than I know myself."_

" _You're lucky, you've fallen in love with your best friend. The person who accepts you at your worst, the person who laughs at your stupid jokes, the person who knows you better than you know yourself. I would kill to spend the rest of my life with that person."_

" _Maybe we should just marry each other."_

" _I love you! How can you tell if you don't try? At first I didn't want to have those feelings either, but they're scary because they're exciting. Karma, step off the edge with me. "_

" _I've been in love with you since the day we met."_

_"You can't stop your feelings any more than I can stop mine. You know what they say, if you love something, set if free."_

" _What's not to love?"_

Amy's heartfelt speeches kept ringing in her head, driving away any semblance of peace or serenity, replacing them with restless nights, heart-wrenching regret and flashing, vivid images of all the blissful years they spent together – smiles, laughter, understanding, support, overcoming the odds, painful realizations, small reminders of who they were, who they are and how far they've come, despite all the hardships and tests that have stretched their bond and their friendship to the limit.

When she closed her eyes, her heart longed for Amy – her beautiful face was haunting her sleepless dreams and her voice was the heartbreakingly enticing soundtrack of this turmoil of emotions, urging her to do something, anything to make the chaos stop. But then the rational part of her mind intervened, and her own words resonated loud in her head, as her doubts started stubbornly resurfacing, for the millionth time:

" _I'm so fucking ordinary."_

" _You deserve to be happy."_

" _I don't want to lose Amy, the person in this world who means the most to me."_

_"I can feel her pulling away and it scares me."_

_"You're the Fey to my Poehler, the Rihanna to my Katy Perry, the Lucy to my Ethel."_

" _I love you too Amy, more than anyone else on earth. Just not like that."_

She didn't have the strength to wipe the tears from her eyes. Instead she let them fall freely down her cheeks, knowing they weren't going to stop coming any time soon. She inwardly cringed at her own past words, so empty and so meaningless compared to Amy's.

How could she let fear get the best of her and reject her best friend when she was at her most vulnerable moment? How could she say she didn't love her like that, when every single fiber in her body was urging her to reciprocate, when every moment she and Amy pretended to be a couple felt so natural and blissful, when every single time they kissed and she saw Amy attempt to catch her breath, dazed and spellbound, she was so taken aback by the effect she didn't even know she could have on her, when every single time she tried to ignore the warm fuzzy feeling in her chest and play it cool, despite her own difficulty to breathe properly? How could she hide from herself for so long and from the person who always saw her for everything that she was, from the person who would never judge her, who would go to the ends of the earth and back for her?

For someone who wanted to stand out so much and be popular, she had such a hard time accepting a fact about herself that differentiated her from other people, something that made her not fit the mold – she had fallen in love with her female best friend. She didn't know what it meant and didn't want to label herself. It wasn't as if either of them woke up one day and realized they were attracted to girls. They woke up one day and realized they have been in love with each other all along. But each acknowledged that reality in their own distinct ways – by either running from it endlessly or bravely owning up to it.

When she stopped to analyze her thoughts and past behavior with a little more insight and objectiveness – from her irrational desire to convince herself that it was a simple chaste kiss for appearance's sake at homecoming to rationalizing that the dreams she had begun to have for nights on end afterwards were just her brain's way of recapping on the events of the day, she realized that, if she were to pinpoint a starting point of her lying to herself, it would be after their kiss. Somewhere along the way, she forgot how to go back to the truth.

Maybe she experienced that same rude awakening Amy had described so poetically, but only allowed it to affect her subconscious, maybe she felt that same gravity of that moment in the gym, the recognition of something way bigger than either of them could ever anticipate, something that has always been there, waiting for the smallest spark to set a slow burning fire weighting on both of their shoulders in the heat of the moment, a moment that was theirs, in spite of the crowd, the cheer, the confetti – it was so frighteningly real to both of them. Neither was faking it. Amy was just brave enough to acknowledge it sooner, whereas Karma spent days and days convincing herself that it meant _nothing_ , when it had meant _everything_.

Karma wanted nothing more than to someday be able to see herself through Amy's pure eyes, to love herself the way her best friend does, to be a person worthy of that kind of commitment and affection, to be a person deserving of words that made even the most inspired poet envious. She wanted to change, to no longer be afraid or ashamed. She just didn't know how to.

Amy deserved to know the truth, and Karma's whole spirit ached for her to finally come clean and bear her soul before someone who had the ability to either crush it in an instant, or lift it up to the depths of heaven. They both had that power over each other and Karma finally realized how scared she was of rejection and how much " _Just not like that_." must've hurt Amy, when she had uttered those three, perfect words with a glimmer of tragic hope dancing in her blue eyes, words that Karma had wanted to hear for as long as she can remember.

But she had crushed that hope, she had shattered her best friend's soul, while Amy momentarily lift hers up to the depths of heaven. But then she got scared, she didn't know what to do when she found herself there. She was in the habit of not believing good things happened to her, or lasted, for that matter. Karma wasn't deserving of that kind of love. Amy had put her on a pedestal where she doesn't belong.

She was selfish and flawed and stubborn and at times inconsiderate. She wasn't nearly as pretty or as fun or as great a person to be around as Amy sure deserved to have by her side. But her best friend never saw her that way, she always saw her as this precious, beautiful, unique person, one she'd do anything for on her own free will. _What's not to love?_

Amy had openly handed Karma her heart, and she wasn't able to protect it. Why would this time be any different? She was scared to death that, if she told Amy the truth about how she truly felt, even if there was the slightest chance that Amy reciprocated, she'd somehow sabotage her own happiness, she'd somehow end up hurting her best friend again. She couldn't bear that thought.

And then there was the obvious problem – what if Amy didn't feel that way about her anymore, what if she had hurt her and pushed her so far past the point of no return, she wouldn't want to step off the edge with her anymore? What if Amy had been so utterly broken by her repetitive, cunning acts she couldn't expose her heart to her anymore?

The what-ifs were driving her crazy. She needed to talk to someone who knew how to help her, who understood what she felt or who could at least relate to her struggle. Karma then remembered Amy had once mentioned that Shane had been of real help to her through her journey of self-discovery and Karma had a feeling she was just beginning a similar journey herself. Shane wasn't her biggest fan, for obvious reasons, but maybe he would be able to help her. She had nothing to lose, and she desperately wanted to figure things out, because she could no longer bear the confusion and the constant questioning.

She knew it was a long shot, but she decided to text the boy, with the risk of waking him up from his sleep and causing his wrath to come down upon her – and by wrath she meant Shane probably making one or two snide comments and then letting it slide, once his ears perked up in curiosity and interest at the prospect of playing matchmaker and gay mentor again. Once he heard the reasoning behind her sudden disturbance of his slumber, there was no doubt in her mind he would want to help. After all, in a way, he owed her, after outing her and Amy to the entire high school. She stopped to wonder if maybe Shane had been too perceptive that night for his own good and saw the obvious before any of them did.

" _Shane, it's Karma. I know you don't like me very much, but I could really use your help. It's about Amy. I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't an absolute emergency, believe me. Call me when you get this, okay?"_ – her text read.

She pressed send and waited. She was shocked to see her phone screen light up shortly after. Shane must be a night bird too. Or, he might have been busy with another extravagant party or late night escapade. He was a social butterfly, after all.

"Karma Ashcroft asking for _my_ help? To what do I owe the honor?" – Shane's sarcastic comment came as means of greeting.

"I'm sorry for disturbing you at this crazy hour but..could you meet me? There's this café open all night down the street." – Karma suggested.

"Say no more, be there in 10." – Shane said, sensing the redhead's distress.

"Thank you, I really appreciate it." – Karma said, sincerely, and this time Shane bit his tongue. It wasn't the right time for a smartass reply.

When Karma walked through the door, Shane was already making his way towards a secluded table, two coffees in hand. He must've guessed it was a private matter that required a private space. Shane really had a sixth sense when it came to the understanding of people.

"Hi." – he greeted, in his usual, cheerful way. "I'd say you look great, but you kind of look like hell."

Karma raised an eyebrow, but laughed anyway.

"Actually, I look like I really need this." – Karma said, and took a large sip from her coffee, its warmth temporarily calming her.

"So, spill. What's going on with your better half?" – Shane asked, apparently oblivious to Karma's immediate change of expression. He meant it as a joke and, under normal circumstances, Karma would have laughed, but this time she kept a straight face, her mind appearing to be a thousand miles away. "Karma. " – the boy's concerned voice jolted her from her reverie.

"Shane, I.." – Karma began, nervously fumbling with the edge of her shirt. "I think I might be in love with Amy."

Karma's eyes were still glued to the table, missing Shane's shocked, astounded reaction, and temporarily what-the-actual-hell moment. After the initial response passed, he couldn't help but declare, in his usual way, that he's suspected it all along.

"My gaydar got pretty confused by you but I still got some pretty strong signals." – he joked, but Karma was still in her own little world. Shane decided to change his approach, sensing an odd feeling of déjà-vu, flashing back to the night Amy had sought him out. "Okay, rewind. How did this happen?"

Karma was afraid of looking him in the eyes when she said it, fearing his harsh reaction, but she knew she had to be honest. He'd see right through her lies anyway, so she didn't even try.

"If I tell you a secret, do you promise not to judge me?" – Karma said, and Shane nodded in approval. He knew that Karma was in the habit of often making poor choices, but he couldn't blame her for that. Half the time, she was painfully oblivious and a tad selfish, but what teenager isn't? "I've been thinking of Amy differently for a while now, I just..I never realized. I think it was there since the homecoming assembly, but I..I didn't want it to be. I just buried it but when we kissed I..I felt something."

"What exactly did you feel?" – Shane asked, visibly intrigued.

"More than I should have. I don't know how to describe this, it just felt like my first real kiss. It was.. familiar and somehow..magical. It was nothing like kissing Liam. We always talked about this fairytale moment when we were little, about finding prince charming and..I never imagined I'd share something so perfect with her instead. And as much as I didn't want it to stop, I knew it wasn't..normal, you know? Or at least, the common perception of normal. My fantasy has always been to grow old next to a handsome guy, get married and have my best friend by my side to share everything with. We always talked about it, it was our plan. And I wanted that _so_ goddamn much. So, I tried to pretend I only did it for the show and strung Amy along, not realizing the pain I was putting her through. " – Karma said and Shane flashed her a look of compassion and quiet understanding, prompting her to continue.

"I went after Liam and actually grew close to him, but it wasn't the same. Deep inside I was still trying to cover up what I was really feeling, even though consciously I was fully convinced it was him I wanted. But then Amy told me that she had been feeling the same things I had all along, but it was too late, I finally had everything I had wanted ever since I was a little girl – the cute boy, the popularity, my best friend's support.. Everything your average girl is supposed to want, right?" – halfway through her speech, Karma's eyes started watering, and Shane could only watch in astonishment. He's never seen Karma so vulnerable, which made him even more empathetic of her situation, despite her poor handling of her feelings.

"Karma, there's no shame about anything you've been feeling. There's no stigma about it, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. You're not supposed to have this stereotypical happy ending, you're supposed to have what you feel is right in your heart. " – Shane said and Karma momentarily paused, pondering upon his wise, insightful words.

"I was just so ashamed and confused and afraid that I would lose Amy and I wanted to avoid that at all costs, but I still ended up pushing her further apart because I wasn't brave enough at the right time." – Karma confessed, and Shane took hold of her hand. He could see why she and Amy were best friends now.

"You know, you're not the only one who went through this. Amy told me she was scared you'd drift apart and randomly meet in line at the grocery store one day and exchange polite hellos like you never shared a ten-year-old friendship.." – Shane said, and Karma's eyes widened in disbelief. Did Amy really fear that they would come to that? _Must've been torture._

"But I could never.." – she tried to finish the sentence, but her voice gave away.

"Karma, there's still time to fix this, but you're going to have to be honest with yourself and realize that love comes in many shapes and forms and it's never something to be ashamed of, but something to be proud of." – Shane said. "Stop letting fear get in the way – you'll never figure this out if you keep hiding."

"But what if I'm mistaking this for something platonic, what if I'm wrong?" – Karma questioned, fearfully, searching Shane's gaze. "What if I end up diving into this, unsure of where I stand and I end up realizing—"

"If you could see your face right now.." – Shane said, amused. "I don't understand how you can still question this, but fine, I have something that might help you. I want you to close your eyes and think of Amy, you know, picture her in your head, clothing is optional-"

Karma nearly spilled her coffee all over her jeans. Suddenly, the small cafe felt like someone set it on fire. _Don't these people own air conditioners? We're in Texas, for crying out loud._

"But don't think of Amy, your best friend. Think of Amy the person. And tell me what do you see." – Shane proposed this odd exercise of imagination, and Karma closed her eyes, instantly visualizing her best friend's smiling face.

"I see this sarcastic, brave, honest girl, the only person who could devour an entire box of donuts in one sitting and make bacon sweats look good. I see a heart of gold, selflessness, blonde locks and a smile that could light up the darkest room. I see a person I always want to be around." - Karma said, her eyes still closed, a genuine smile blossoming on her face.

Shane thought she looked exactly like a lovesick puppy. He'd make fun of her if he didn't find it so adorable. He has been rooting for Karmy to happen forever. Now he felt like the self-proclaimed captain of the Karmy ship, because he was dying to see it set sail.

"There goes your answer." – Shane said, self-assured as always.

"But what if Amy no longer feels the same way?" – Karma asked, her voice soft , worry etched onto every tone. "What if I'm too late?"

Shane took a deep breath and pondered upon his next words. He didn't want to give Karma false hope, but he couldn't rule out any possibility either. He didn't know what Amy felt, if she was still hung up on Reagan, if she would give her and Karma a chance again. He did know that Karma had to be truthful regardless of the possibility of not getting what she wanted. She has to do this for herself also, to finally learn to be mature and accepting of who she is and what she is feeling.

"Karma, I don't want you to get your hopes up because I might be wrong. Be prepared for any answer from Amy. Don't let that stop you from telling the truth. She deserves to know." – Shane said, voicing his previous thoughts. "If you ask me, I think you have a shot. You are Amy's first love, after all. And you know what they say about your first love – part of you never really gets over it."

"Thank you so much, Shane. You're right, she does deserve to know. And she will. I don't expect anything in return. I've only ever wanted her to be happy. And if it's not with me, I'll learn how to deal, less being territorial and more supportive this time." – Karma said, finally making a decision. She wiped the tears from her eyes, feeling like a huge weight's been lifted off her shoulders.

"I'm rooting for you, though." – Shane said, nudging her shoulder and giving her an assuring thumbs up sign in hopes of boosting her courage. "Don't get cold feet. And if there's any grand gesture I can help you orchestrate, or any accidental moments I can create, like a 7 minutes in heaven game at my party on Friday, or a game of truth and dare, let me know. Hell, I could even accidentally throw you two in a pool or a jacuzzi or something."

Karma felt her cheeks heat up at Shane's not-so-subtle suggestions, but she appreciated the boy's intentions regardless. He has been of such tremendous help in her attempt to solve this puzzle, and she couldn't be more grateful. Shane really was an amazing friend.

"Thank you for these wonderful ideas, but I think it's best to stay away from scheming for a while. " – she laughed nervously. "I really appreciate you coming tonight, Shane. You didn't owe me anything but you still did it and you've really helped. I'm sorry for the way I've been acting lately."

"It's alright. I know a thing or two about being confused and questioning your identity." – Shane said and Karma nodded in understanding. "Still, you two better come barging in through my front door on Friday holding hands."

"I'll see what I can do about that."


	11. Stay With Me

It was half past five in the afternoon and Karma was pacing back and forth in her room, eyes skimming the surroundings absentmindedly – traveling from the ceiling to her bed, then stopping at her own reflection in the mirror, partly obscured by the pictures of the person she was dreading to see today, scattered all around in an intriguing puzzle that seemed so complex and hard to decipher at first, but had made all the sense in the world all along. She just wasn't able to put the pieces together. Now that she finally did, it was a picture of perfection, the possibility of heaven on earth, the possibility of living the fantasy she's always dreamed of having – someone to be her best friend, her family, her one true love, someone to gaze her way like she was the precious, long sought answer to a lifelong dilemma. It almost seemed too good to be true.

Her shoulders were slumped in a defeated pose and every muscle in her body felt rigid – she kept rubbing her hands together nervously and fixing her hair every two seconds. She was caught in a strange whirlwind of emotions - between feeling an odd rush of excitement and being scared half to death. She feared that if she kept pacing back and forth in the same limited perimeter any longer wearing tall boots, she just might cause the floor to crack and swallow her whole. She had repeated that action for the past half an hour.

She wanted to dig herself a hole and hide in it. She was a pro at that. Putting her guarded heart on the line – that was a totally different story.

Today was the day and her whole body was trembling with uncertainty and anticipation. Her throat felt so dry she doubted she'd find her voice, when Amy would turn around and face her with those soulful blue eyes in a way that's always been distinctly hers. No one ever did gaze at her the way Amy always did. Her heart was beating erratically and she had been struggling to compose herself all day, failing repeatedly, in spite of her best efforts not to freak out.

Her mind was in such a clutter, she couldn't even get up and go to school. She couldn't bear to see Amy in person at school in the morning, having the intention of finally telling her how she felt later, because she'd end up losing her nerve and possibly collapse. She preferred to postpone the inevitable, hopefully building up the courage by the end of the day. Amy, being the sweetheart that she was, texted her in the morning, worried to bits that there was something wrong with her best friend. She assured her that she was just feeling a bit nauseous and that she'd call her later to hang out.

The truth was, she hadn't lied, she had been feeling nauseous and dizzy all day. She had barely eaten and sleep had lately become a luxury she couldn't afford. Her jaw was clenched and her posture stiff, as she sat on the bed and stared at her phone, fingers trembling and palms becoming sweaty. An act so simple as calling her best friend on a day like any other, like she had done dozens of times before had suddenly become nearly impossible to execute. Except it wasn't a day like any other – not to her.

 _Get it together, Karma._ – she attempted to assure herself. She sighed heavily, finally making up her mind. There was no backing down anymore. She'd just walk out the door and show up at Amy's doorstep, hoping she'd pick up and climb down the stairs to meet her halfway. If she didn't faint on the spot and if she could at least successfully make it to Amy's room, she'd consider herself a winner.

She fixed her look in the mirror – beautiful, shiny red hair curled to perfection, trembling plump lips, scrutinizing emerald eyes, combat boots and a knee-length red dress, one that Amy mentioned she liked once. She vividly remembered the blonde's eyes traveling from her face to her body, utterly mesmerized, before nervously clearing her throat and complimenting her. The optimistic side of her hoped for that same reaction again.

The familiar path to Amy's house felt like a blur, her feet moving ahead, but her mind too preoccupied to process the action consciously. It wasn't just a route she had become so accustomed to cross when they were kids, to the only real home she's ever known, but a path to her own heart, paved with struggle and uncertainty, yet, at the same time still managing to hold a sense of undeniable truth and clarity.

Her destination has always been clear, somewhere in the back of her mind, but the journey she had to go through to get there has been nothing short of spectacular or challenging, and certainly not exempt from heartbreak, pain and regret. But she couldn't be more thankful for that journey, since it brought her closer to her truth, with each little realization, each clumsy, wobbly step taken. She could stumble, trip and fall a million times over, but at the end of the day, she'd always find her way back to Amy, back home.

She now understood what it meant to love herself – to allow herself to see what the people closest to her have always seen all long, to see herself through Amy's eyes. And if Amy would have her, she'd give her everything that she was, no questions asked, no looking back. Amy didn't just give her the gift of friendship when she approached the lonely, sad kid at the playground instead of anyone else, in her distinct way, seeing more than the rest bothered to acknowledge even then.

" _Why the long face?"_

" _Don't mind them, I'll be your friend_."

" _It's just a name – and I don't think it sounds funny at all._ "

Amy had given her so much more - the power to drive away her nagging insecurities and finally begin to love herself, little by little each day.

When she reached Amy's driveway, she took out her phone and pressed call. The lights were off in Amy's room and she wondered if her best friend had gone out and it wasn't the right time for her to be there. The blonde's voice came and she felt the butterflies in her stomach stir. She gulped in anticipation.

"Hey, Karma. What's up?" – Amy said, cheerfully, her voice partially drowned by the background noise.

"Amy, hi.. W-where are you?" – Karma replied, inwardly cursing herself for stuttering and sounding like she had run a marathon.

"My mom forced me to go shopping with her and Lauren." – Amy said, exasperatedly, and Karma could tell she was probably rolling her eyes and huffing her hair. "Something about bonding with my sister and stop dressing like a lumberjack's son."

Karma laughed softly, an odd sense of calm rushing through her. They were slipping back into their usual type of conversation. Maybe it could be easy again for the two of them.

"Aww, you're bonding with your sis, how sweet!" – Karma teased, and Amy smiled goofily on the other line.

"Shut up, Ashcroft. Ugh, my mom's been making me try dresses for the past 10 minutes and I'm getting sick of it. " – Amy said, pouting.

The image of Amy wearing a dress that she projected in her head instantly didn't help at all. She could feel her cheeks warming up and she took deep breaths to slow down the rhythm of her heartbeats.

"I bet you looked amazing in all of them." – Karma said, and the moment she realized the words coming out of her mouth, she wanted to facepalm to oblivion. _Smooth, Ashcroft._

If she could see Amy's shy, appreciative look, she wouldn't want to take it back. "Plus, you need something dashing for Shane's party tonight. Go for dark blue. Trust me."

"Why thank you for the flattery. You know how much I hate dressing up but if you insist.." – Amy said. "Might as well make an effort to look pretty for once."

"You don't _need_ to make an effort." – Karma cut in. Strike two – she was really bad at not being obvious. She continued before giving Amy a chance to respond. "By the way, I'm kind of in your driveway. Mind if I let myself in?"

Karma had a spare key to Amy's house in her purse for situations like this.

"Go ahead. I'll be back in about half an hour too, I hope. Maybe I can make a run for it now. My mom's not looking." – Amy said, actually considering the idea.

"Come on, Amy.. Stop being so stubborn, I know you don't hate spending time with them as much as you claim you do. Get yourself a smoking hot dress and _don't_ keep me waiting."

And..strike three. Karma Ashcroft had game alright, she was so good at delivering smooth lines she was practically a master in the art of flirting. God, that last statement could be interpreted in so many different ways, she cringed.

For some reason, Amy fixed her collar nervously. _Stupid mall managers, don't they afford decent air conditioning?_

"Okay, bossy. See you soon. " – Amy said.

"I'll be waiting." – Karma replied, before hanging up.

_I would wait a lifetime for you if I had to._

Karma took a moment to allow herself to breathe properly again, before unlocking the door to Amy's house and climbing the stairs to her room. She nostalgically gazed at the silly picture of the two of them, only now fully registering how much things had changed between them since the beginning of the school year. She missed the way things were before anyone else came along. They were so happy then, so comfortable with each other. They didn't feel like they had to walk on eggshells around each other, hide things or be afraid of anything.

Their friendship meant the world to her, and would always mean the world to her. She prayed that confessing her feelings was never going to change that, she prayed that if she took this risk she wouldn't regret it for the rest of her life.

Karma sat on Amy's bed and got under the covers. Amy's scent was etched onto the sheets and she couldn't help but relax and breathe it in, basking in the sensation, pretending that her best friend was there with her. When she snapped out of her daze, she decided to get on Amy's laptop and occupy herself for the time being. She didn't want to be left alone with her thoughts.

She absentmindedly browsed the various folders on Amy's laptop – House Hunters _,_ Twilight, Say Yes To The Dress, What Not To Wear - her back-up stash of good stuff in case Netflix ever got boring. She'd watch any of those if she hadn't seen them all a couple of days ago with Amy. Watching them by herself was dull because she had no one to do voice-overs or film commentary with.

Skimming through Amy's files, Karma noticed an old folder she must've missed before titled "3 hour long French documentaries." Amy was a weirdo, after all. " _Who the hell would click on that, anyway?"_ – she asked, rhetorically. She had a strong dislike for French movies, of any kind. Still, curiosity got the best of her and she opened the folder. Surprisingly, there were no video files, just a text document titled " _Pages of my life."_

Intrigued and instantly drawn to it, Karma wanted to open it, but her fingers were twitching on the mouse pad. She had a feeling she wasn't supposed to find it and didn't want to intrude on Amy's privacy again. She tended to do that dangerously often in the past – she once read Amy's diary when they were kids and she caught her, embarrassed to death that her best friend just found out she got pubes in second grade.

From that point on, Amy had been extra cautious about her personal things. The diary she now had under the bed wasn't in the least interesting. Karma had casually opened it at the beginning of the school year, because she was never good at minding her own damn business, and she didn't find the juicy stuff, it was almost like an activities list. I did this today and this and oh my God she almost fell asleep due to how boring it was. She wondered, briefly, if Amy did it on purpose to stop her from snooping through her stuff.

Maybe the real deal was hidden in plain sight all along. After all, she knew Karma would never, in a million years, want to watch 3 hour long French documentaries.

Karma tried to pull her gaze away from the file and get her mind off of it. She had no right to read it. But if there was any other moment in time she wanted to know what truly went on in Amy Raudenfeld's conflicted heart and complex mind the most, it was then. Maybe this file would help eliminate her doubts about Amy's true feelings and make it easier for her to confess her own.

" _You should check out Amy's laptop sometime." –_ Reagan's words resonated in her mind and suddenly everything became clear.

Karma's heart slammed against her ribs in panic, the adrenaline rushing through her body and cursing through her veins like poison. An angry debate was taking place in her head, but her evil side overpowered her good intentions. She really was a horrible person. But, in her defense, she needed to know the truth, to know that there was the slightest shred of hope for her and Amy, before she risked ruining everything with her own disclosure. _I'm so sorry, Aimes._

She opened the folder and, at first, she only wanted to take a small sneak peek and close it. She saw a number of different, diary-like entries, each of them dated, and began to read. One in particular caught her eye.

_Today, Karma came up with this crazy idea to pretend that she's blind to make people notice her. It's ridiculous how much she needs those guys' attention and approval. They're the stupid ones for not seeing her and I wish she'd believe it. She keeps blabbering about Shane Harvey's party like it's the most important thing in the world. I couldn't care less about it, but I decided to go to make her happy. If it means that much to her, then I guess I could shut up and go along with it._

Karma's heart soared and guilt sunk in. Amy has always done everything for her sake, from the very beginnings of their friendship, in spite of herself and her own wishes. She went on to read another entry.

_I can't go on with this lie much longer. I can't fake it anymore. It's gotten too real, at least to me it always has been. I can't stop thinking of our kiss at homecoming and the way her soft lips felt against mine. What was I thinking? It was all a game to her and I was a pawn. I barely heard her speech afterwards. I couldn't even breathe properly but, to her, it was nothing but a grand show. She got her standing ovation but can't she see how much this is killing me? This is bad, bad news. I don't know what I'm going to do._

Karma's stomach clenched tightly. She was transported back to that moment, and realized that the sings had been there all along, in plain sight. Amy wouldn't even talk to her after homecoming, claiming that she felt sick and that she'd call in the morning.

_How could I have been so stupid and self-absorbed not to see it?_

She fearfully moved on to another entry. Even though her conscious mind was urging her to stop, her fingers kept scrolling.

_Today I made the biggest mistake of my life – I put my heart on the line. I finally told Karma how I felt even though I knew I shouldn't have. She rejected me. The worst part is I actually let myself hope and believe that my best friend could feel the same way about me. It was a nice picture to look at, but it wasn't mine. And if that wasn't enough, I got drunk and slept with Liam just to hurt her. I never thought I could do something like that and there's nothing I've ever regretted more in my entire life. But then again – I never thought anyone could make me feel like this. So broken and ashamed._

Karma's bottom lip quivered, tears dripping down her cheeks, limbs shaking and eyes glued to the computer screen. The gravity of her actions increased so much more when watching from the other side of the line. Being in Amy's shoes through this whole ordeal that _she_ 's put her through was more than she could take. If these words cut deep wounds into her own heart, she was horrified to imagine the real state of her best friend's heart throughout this entire mess.

She wanted to close the document right then, but a strange impulse kicked in, stopping her. She scrolled all the way down to the last entry. There was one final thing she needed to know.

_This past week has been such a hard time for me, but Karma's really outdone herself. She's been such an amazing friend, stayed by my side every step of the way and I can't be more grateful. I miss Reagan. I really do. It wasn't fair to her and it's not fair to me either, but there are some things you can't control. You can try and delude yourself, but it's not going to work. Maybe it's fate, maybe it's something else, I don't know. These old wounds should've healed by now and I wonder if they ever will. Because every time I look at Karma, it still feels like the first time. After everything that's happened, I still get these fluttery, I-think-I'm-gonna-barf feelings, even though I try so hard not to. There's nothing I can do about it. I just wish there was._

After Karma finished reading that last entry, she closed the document and let the reality of everything she has done for the past months fully sink in. She wiped the remaining moisture from her eyes and cheeks and quickly fixed her look in the mirror, not wanting her best friend to see her in this pitiful, wrecked state. She forced herself not to cry again, as Amy's last words rang in her head, even though this time it was different set of tears – of relief, maybe happiness. Amy was struggling just as much as she was to fight the inevitable. It was high time they both put an end to that.

And when she heard the sound of someone unlocking the front door, and Amy's beautiful voice bickering with Lauren, she felt it in her heart - there was nothing else she wanted to do more. Amy's footsteps approaching her room matched the rhythm of her heartbeats, and with each one she took, Karma felt like her chest was going to explode.

She let her tough demeanor slip when Amy walked through the door. She let every piece of her self-assured mask shatter and crumble to the floor, and allowed her true self to come out. She was going to bear her soul for real, maybe for the first time in her entire existence.

"Hope you're not bored out of your mind. Sorry I'm late, Lauren wouldn't shut the hell up about –-" the blonde barged in, rambling, but her speech got cut halfway once she locked eyes with her best friend.

Karma's jaw dropped at the sight of Amy in a tight, dark blue knee-length dress, hugging her figure in all the right places and bringing out the vibrant color of her eyes, eyes now studying her intently. Her throat was dry all right. Mouth still gaping, she attempted to speak and the different sound of her voice took them both by surprise, a sort of edge taking over it.

"You look…amazing." – Karma said, her tone unusually breathy and husky.

"So do you. " – Amy said, appreciatively, taking note of the famous red dress that always made her weak in the knees. She forced herself not to break eye contact. Her breathing turned heavier when Karma lift herself up from the bed and walked closer to her.

"Amy, there's something I need to tell you." – Karma said, momentarily catching her best friend's worried, intent look, then gazing at the floor, as adrenaline kicked in again. She felt a strong shiver pass through her body, causing it to tremble. She gulped and fidgeted nervously, hopelessly attempting to control the sound of her shaking voice. "God..this is so much harder than I thought it would be." – she whispered.

Amy wordlessly took both of her hands in hers and the way she was gazing at her best friend - quiet reassurance and encouragement behind blue orbs - made Karma momentarily lose her train of thought.

"What is it?" – Amy's increasingly concerned voice came, the blonde noticing that Karma didn't seem to calm down, quite the contrary. "You can tell me anything, you know that, right?" – she cracked a light smile, but Karma's eyes were still downcast and she was biting hard on her lip.

"T-There's just so much I need to say to you that I should've said a long time ago and I fear that if I don't do it right now, I never will." – she eventually said. "So please..just listen to me, it's my turn to speak now. Don't say anything until I get this off my chest, okay?"

Amy nodded softly in understanding, letting go of her hands, indirectly urging the shaken girl before her to continue. She's known Karma her whole life, and she's never appeared so fragile, vulnerable and utterly broken, not even in that jail cell. She didn't know what to do other than watch hopelessly, give her all the time she needed and allow her to speak her mind. She would listen. She always did.

"Amy, you are the most amazing person I've ever met, the only one who's ever accepted me at my worst, who put up with me and selflessly stood by my side, even when I did nothing but cause you pain. I don't deserve you and I probably never will. But I want to change that, I want to be someone worthy of you someday. Right now I'm not because.." – Karma said, sniffling slightly, voice thick with emotion. "Amy I..I've been lying to you."

Dozens of different, contrasting emotions flashed across Amy's face – from astonishment and confusion to raw hurt and shock. Karma was close to breaking down in tears, knowing that what she was about to say had the potential to _change_ everything, to _ruin_ everything.

"I've been feeling everything that you have since the homecoming assembly." – Karma said, her voice barely above a whisper. She sheltered her gaze, dreading Amy's reaction more than anything. After a long pause, she gathered every ounce of courage her body possessed and forced her eyes to inch upward.

She didn't think the blonde's expression could get any more incredulous. Amy was absolutely flabbergasted, her mouth opening and closing multiple times, as a loud gasp escaped her lips. She stood there, unable to move, unable to breathe properly, shaken to the core.

Nonverbally, she went from thinking this must be a huge, distasteful cosmic joke to questioning Karma to realizing she couldn’t fake the vibrant honesty in her speech and eyes. Not this time.

"I was just too scared and ashamed of myself to admit it. When we kissed, I saw that fantasy I always wanted, I pictured that moment we always talked about when we were little. I tried to convince myself that it didn't mean anything, that I wanted Liam to be the one instead of you, but it's always been you, Amy..It's _always_ been you. There's nothing I regret more than rejecting you on your mother's wedding day. I never should've pushed you away. I got scared of needing somebody too much and when I get scared, I tend to do stupid things."

Amy shook her head in dismay, her mind racing, plagued by thoughts and feelings she's pushed so far back she nearly convinced herself they no longer existed. She never thought she'd have to address them again, outside of her secret world, hidden in the pages of her virtual diary, where she could be brave and honest with herself. She couldn't let Karma play her again, drag her into her games, build her up just to tear her down. She had to be confused, she just had to, Amy rationalized frantically. She shuddered, her arms hanging limp by her sides and her body completely numb.

"But I am so tired of pretending, I can't do it anymore. This time it's the truth and only the truth." – Karma said, as if guessing Amy's current thoughts. "I don't think it's ever been just a game for me, even though I tried so hard to make it seem that way. I wish I could take back the pain I've caused you but I know I can't. And I understand if you.." – Karma's voice trailed off. She couldn't finish verbalizing that thought. "But if you'll give me a chance to prove how much I mean it, I'll spend every waking moment making it up to you."

Amy's eyes shifted away from the floor to momentarily lock with Karma's. Her expression was unreadable, mouth set in a firm line. She was doing everything in her power to stay strong but she felt her resolve slip away with each lingering glance, each unspoken truth. Because maybe no words could convey something so strong. Their eyes always did most of the talking, anyway.

"Amy.." – Karma whispered, letting out a muffled sound between a laugh and a sob. "I love you. I'm in love with you."

Karma took another step forward, reaching for her best friend's trembling hands, the action causing Amy to flinch and quickly impose some distance on impulse, denying Karma's touch as if it was physically burning her. It was an act of self-preservation meant to protect her from the only person who held her heart in the palm of her hand, who could break it or piece it back together with the slightest move, if she so desired. Amy was so exhausted of feeling powerless to it, helpless to Karma's requests, someone so easy to break, turning into a pile of mush before her every time she'd look at her with those pleading pools of green.

Amy backpedaled and bravely held Karma's gaze, in spite of the tears flooding her eyes.

"Please say something, Amy. " – Karma pleaded, her clear, transparent pools of moss green filling with tears just the same.

"Karma, I would've given you _everything_. You know that." – Amy's wobbly, strained voice eventually came and Karma felt as if her heart's been ripped out of her chest right then. "But I'm sorry, I..I can't..I can't hear this right now."

Karma watched, helplessly, as her best friend fled out of the room and descended the staircase in thunderous defeat, blonde hair flashing across Karma's eyes and then vanishing from her sight, along with its bearer. The sound of her best friend's footsteps faded out of earshot, eventually, but Karma was still glued to that same place, staring numbly ahead, unable to move an inch, as if Amy's broken figure was still standing there.


	12. A Thousand Years

Amy found herself running down the street with no established direction, as far away from her house as her numb feet could carry her. Her breathing was labored and her mind clouded by a maelstrom of memories flashing repeatedly before her eyes like a movie she didn't know how to put an end to, conflicting thoughts and contrasting emotions – from raging anger, anguish, utter confusion to a small sense of happiness and relief. But that single blissful emotion, so quiet in its manifestation was being overpowered by the rest, the negative ones, anger top layer.

She was not fine, she couldn't even think properly. She was shaking like a leaf and fleeing like there was no tomorrow. She couldn't even stop to listen to the sound of her own heart. She was panting heavily and struggling to fight back the tears. There was no use.

Amy was angry at herself too, not just at Karma, but she didn't know exactly why – for running away or for not being able to get over her best friend after all this time. She couldn't get Karma's words out of her head, even though she was still royally pissed.

_Amy, I love you. I'm in love with you._

Karma had no right to tell her all of this _now_ , making her go through the motions again, messing with her head, telling her everything she's wanted to hear for so long, after all the sleepless nights she's endured, lying awake in the monumental silence, thinking about her, after all the times she put Karma's happiness ahead of hers, while Karma repeatedly chose Liam, shoving it back in her face, after the inner struggle she had to go through during the whole faking it fiasco, after her numerous, failed attempts to move on and be happy with someone else.

And all because Karma told her she didn't want her. Repeatedly. Spoken or not spoken.

_She should have fucking meant it. She does. She has to._

She can't take that back now and suddenly change her mind like it's _perfectly okay._ It's not.

She has endured so much uncertainty and pain because of her. At one point, she even wondered if she was good enough to be loved, by anyone. She knew it sounded stupid, but the thought crossed her mind, briefly, after being turned down by the first person she's ever loved _like that_.

She was afraid to admit to herself that Karma always held a place in her heart no one was allowed to touch or see. It was a part of her willingly given a long time ago.

Which was precisely why hearing the redhead's words hurt so much, it was the lingering fear that she was playing games again, that it was nothing but a grand, wisely orchestrated illusion, in which Karma was the planner and she was the executioner, regardless of her best efforts not to be an active participant in wrecking her own heart.

Karma actually had the nerve to tell her that she hadn't been truthful all along, that her _not like that_ actually meant _I've been feeling the same way all along._ If Karma expected her to believe that, to fall for it again, she was crazy.

_She must be lying. She is lying. Right?_

By now, Amy was fuming, her feet clashing with the pavement furiously. But her look softened the moment she inched her gaze upwards from the ground, observing the surroundings. She found herself standing outside of Karma's house - shaking, broken, bruised and physically and emotionally drained.

It was a subconscious impulse, a response she's become so accustomed to – when she was hurting, she went to Karma's house, or asked her to come over, to _fix_ her. How was she supposed to deal with Karma being the source of her pain for the millionth time, how could she accept her inability to stay mad at her best friend for longer than five minutes, even though she knew her reaction was entirely justifiable?

She was tired - she was downright exhausted of constantly forcing herself to _fight_ it.

It was then that sudden clarity hit her, with the force of a ton of falling bricks – Karma _was_ her home.

Maybe even her shelter in the storm, her sanctuary. She never stopped being the one person who could break her spirits in an instant yet paradoxically cause her to melt before her, helpless, effortlessly, in the blink of an eye.

A single glance from Karma, a single touch, a single word and she was unraveled inside again. How was she supposed to deal with an _entire_ goddamn speech?

_I need a donut._

Once the anger and resentment slowly dissipated, regret and heartache started making their presence known full force. Amy knew it wasn't rational to run away from her best friend like that, even though part of her still held it against her, still resented her for lying.

But Karma was not cruel, she appeared painfully exposed, visibly fragile and tortured herself. She wouldn't be toying with her feelings again. They both hopefully learned by now that secrets and lies cause nothing but damage.

Karma must've been truthful, and the thought scared Amy half to death.

It was easier to be angry at her instead of attempting to understand the reasoning behind her actions. However chaotic and conflicted Karma Ashcroft's mind and soul were, her actions always came from a good place. She ended up hurting people without intending to. It was unfortunate, but Amy knew her – she never meant it, not consciously, at least.

Pondering upon the whole situation just a little longer, the blonde came to her senses and that tiny spark of hope she didn't dare to think of could no longer be ignored or dismissed, for it ignited deep inside her like a forest fire during the worst drought of the century.

_Karma is in love with me. My best friend is in love with me._

She smiled earnestly for a fleeting moment, closing her eyes in blissful abandon, imagining a future with her best friend, away from the confusion and the what-ifs, just the two of them, like it's been at the beginning - the way it was always supposed to be. She knew she was thinking far ahead, but they've always talked about being soul mates, destined to be with each other forever.

What if not just platonically? What if they wouldn't need two houses next door to each other, because they'd be living in the same house together?

The fairytale image made her weak in the knees. She must've looked funny to bystanders– puffy eyes, hands still shaking and a goofy smile plastered on her face, one that appeared to be so out of place.

Karma was her other half, her better half, she always has been. She's been in love with her since the moment they locked eyes, neither of them fully realizing it until a strange twist of fate forced them into an unexpected position.

She had Shane Harvey and his fabulous intuition to thank for that. After all, he was right, it took two people to make a good kiss, two people to be woken up from a deep slumber. Maybe they could both stop dreaming and start living their dreamlike reality.

A few more minutes passed and Amy was rudely brought back to the gravity of the current situation with the force of an unexpected thunderstorm in the middle of a gorgeous summer day.

She had to apologize to Karma. She _needed_ to make it right.

Running in the direction of her house, feeling the clock ticking against her, Amy realized halfway that she had no idea what she was going to say to her best friend. But maybe she could try speaking from the heart. And, just maybe, this time it would actually work too. All she had to offer was her heart and hoped this time it would be enough.

Karma was lying on the edge of Amy's bed, holding her head in her hands, tears long dried out on her pale face. She didn't have the strength to get up and go home, but she knew sooner or later she'd have to. Even though she was feeling absolutely miserable, part of her was grateful she could muster the courage to finally tell Amy how she felt.

It backfired horribly, but it had to be done. And, after all, Amy had all the reasons in the world to be angry. She would have reacted the same, possibly worse if the roles were reversed. She didn't expect Amy to magically come crawling back into her arms and confess her undying love for her. That only happened in movies, and, to quote Amy herself – her life was _not_ a movie.

Defeated, she grabbed her purse and was preparing to leave when she turned around and saw Amy, _her_ Amy, standing in the doorway - so shattered, painfully transparent and breathtakingly beautiful. Stunned to oblivion, Karma could only stare, promptly dropping her purse on the floor in shock, struggling to catch her breath.

"Amy.."

Amy's eyes shimmered with a newfound spark, as she began to cross the distance separating them, slowly, almost cautiously. Karma held her breath in anticipation – fearfully, maybe eagerly, waiting for the blonde's next move. She stopped mere inches away from her face, gazing straight into her eyes. No hesitation, no going back.

"Damn it, Karma." – the words came - weak, barely audible, filled with an odd sense of resignation. Amy sounded like she was giving up – not on Karma, but on the irrational fight she's been leading against herself. They both were.

Wordlessly, Amy lunged herself forward, holding Karma's frame close, her fingers clinging firmly to the material of her dress, pulling her in. Feeling Karma's stiff upper body slowly relaxing in her embrace, she began to trace circles on her back in a soothing manner. Karma wrapped her arms around her waist, holding onto her best friend for dear life and quietly sobbing on her shoulder, her grip tight and desperate, as if Amy were to vanish in a puff of smoke if she loosened it, even for a second.

The blonde broke the hug after a few minutes of heavy silence and the next words coming out of her mouth assured Karma that she wasn't going anywhere any time soon.

"I _still_ want to give you everything."

Karma's moss green eyes instantly filled with tears of relief and the back of Amy's hand found her cheek, gently caressing it, a brief, feather-like touch. As powerful as the sensation was, it vanished in a heartbeat. Amy retreated her hand and looked away, momentarily hesitating, an unspoken question written in her gaze.

Her eyes were silently asking for permission. The redhead found it so hard to breathe she couldn't find the power to verbalize her thoughts or even nod in approval, but hoped Amy could read between the lines.

She _wanted_ this. She's wanted it for _so_ long.

Crystal blue clashed with emerald green, sharing an unspoken agreement, before Amy closed her eyes and leaned in, hearing Karma involuntarily draw in a sharp breath, her tender eyes still half open, lingering on the blonde's face just a little longer, memorizing her features, wanting to burn them in the back of her memory like the day they fell asleep next to each other in blissful comfort.

Ever so slowly, Amy cupped her best friend's face, causing her to tilt her chin upwards and meet her halfway. Their lips finally connected and any lingering doubts vanished from their minds right then. Taken aback by the feel of Amy's soft, eager lips brushing against her own, Karma felt like her knees were to give away right then. She was too stunned to process what was happening for a few seconds, but as soon as she could find that ounce of power to urge her body to move, she gave in to the spark that's always been present between them and fervently fed the flames, by instinctively wrapping her arms around her waist, allowing Amy's hands to circle around her neck, pulling her closer.

Karma wanted this for so long, she's been dreaming of this moment for months, but reality was so unbearably perfect she didn't want to go to sleep anytime soon. Taking the lead, she buried her hands in Amy's blonde locks, her body melting into hers, their lips moving in unison, fitting each other's curves perfectly, like they were puzzle pieces meant for each other.

Amy came up for air too soon, reluctantly pulling away while half opening her eyes, her hands still lingering around her best friend's neck whilst Karma loosened her grip on the small of her back and studied her intently. Amy smiled softly, flushing before Karma's loving, gentle and dazzled expression, unaware of her own adoring gaze.

"Whoa."

"I know."

It was this exchange of words, a silent recognition of the magnitude of their feelings for each other that started everything, the realization that a single moment can be the beginning of something new that can completely change your life in the blink of an eye.

But, this time, it was Amy who was spellbound, and Karma who _finally_ knew.

Maybe it was a strange twist of fate, the universe working in their favor, bringing them together in spite of all odds, like they were star-crossed lovers, unable to fight destiny, powerless to a connection that's always been beyond their ability to grasp or fully anticipate.

"I love you..." – Karma said, breathlessly, for the second time that night and Amy turned into a pile of mush right then, a warm fuzzy feeling encompassing her whole being. “Buttface.” – she added, jokingly. She didn't mean to be a crybaby but her eyes were already glistening and tears threatened to spill again. This couldn't be happening to her. How'd she get so lucky?

"I love you too. I always have." – Amy reciprocated, with a certainty she didn't think anyone could possess at 15. But nothing ever felt as real and as true as this moment. She wanted to freeze time right then.

"Are we done being cheesy? – Karma joked, rolling her eyes playfully. The magic of the moment was still lingering but the heavy tension was gone. "Or are you going to keep bawling your eyes out?" – she continued, tenderly wiping her best friend's tears with the back of her thumb.

"Shut it, Ashcroft." – Amy whispered longingly, before capturing Karma's lips again. Karma could feel her smile in between, and she didn't mind it because she probably did the same. She couldn't control it. Some of the best moments of her life flashed across her eyes, but none of them could even come close to this one. She didn't remember a single time she was so genuinely happy, accomplished and at ease.

Amy pulled away too soon again, much to Karma's annoyance. She was about to mutter a snide comment, along the lines of _"I was enjoying that, buttface.",_ but stopped abruptly as the blonde began to speak again.

"Not that I wouldn't like to do this forever, but we kind of have this party we're supposed to be getting ready for. I vividly remember someone nagging me about it for days on end but if you don't want to go –" – Amy said, but Karma quickly interrupted her.

"Of course I want to go. I kind of promised Shane. " – she clarified, sighing. "But staying here with you is okay, too."

"Karma doesn't want to party?" – Amy teased, her tone overly dramatic, expressive hand movements and all. "Are you serious now?"

Karma rolled her eyes again, kicking the blonde in the stomach, the sound of their infectious, heartfelt laughter filling the room.

"Unless what you really wanted to say was.." – Amy paused, for dramatic effect once again. Maybe she should've signed up for drama club too. "Staying here with you is more than just _okay._ I'm so in love with you I'd rather kiss you senseless than go to a random party with a bunch of people I most certainly don't love nearly as much as I love you?" – Amy stated, confidently, Karma's blush and shy demeanor giving her an odd sense of sick satisfaction.

The roles have finally been reversed and it felt good to be in full control of Karma's emotions, for once. So, she teased her just because she could. "Am I right?" – Amy whispered into Karma's ear, her voice coming heavier and a lot more seductive than she intended, her hot breath grazing her best friend's neck, making her lightheaded and frustratingly weak.

"Y-you think we're in _The Notebook_ or something? Don't flatter yourself, Raudenfeld." – Karma countered, her gaze shifting away in mild embarrassment, and Amy gasped, mimicking utter shock. They both knew how weak her argument was when she was acting like a twitchy, stammering mess.

"Oh, no you didn't. Well, at least now we know who wears the pants in this relationship." – Amy said, jokingly, but Karma could only stare in awe.

Realizing how heavy with implication her previous words were, Amy began to feel anxious. She wanted to DTR (Define The Relationship) later so as to not make her best friend uncomfortable by moving too fast, but she already blew her cover and there was nothing left to do but to jump right into it and ask the question.

And, maybe, just maybe, they've waited long enough already.

"W-what did you say?" – Karma stammered.

"Well I.." – the blonde began, clearing her throat nervously. "I was kind of hoping you'd be my girlfriend. "

" _That's_ how you're going to ask me? Try harder, like you were going to get a free donut if you nailed it or something." – Karma giggled and Amy tried to glare at her, obviously failing. She took that teasing as a clue that her best friend wouldn't be freaked out at all by that potential proposal.

"Will you make me the happiest person alive and be my girlfriend? For real, this time? Without the show and the rehearsing and everything else." – Amy asked, after a long pause, rethinking her approach. Her nervousness and hesitation were so adorable and Karma couldn't help but flash her the brightest smile she could muster.

"Yes." – Karma answered, knowing there was nothing she wanted more. Except maybe kiss Amy again. "Of course. You're stuck with me."

"As if I don't already know that. Also I really want donuts, thanks for bringing that up.” – Amy muttered under her breath in her usual, sarcastic way.

"Don’t you always? Come on, blondie, let's make you look smoking hot for the party. " – Karma said, excitedly, grabbing Amy's hands. She already looked smoking hot, but she wouldn't tell her – for the time being, it was a lot more fun to tease her.

"I thought you said I didn't _need_ to make an effort. "– Amy said, incredulously, pointing an accusatory finger at her best friend.

_Or girlfriend._

_Best girl friend?_

_Oh my god, that sounds so weird._

_But it feels.._

_Great. –_ she concluded in her head, a pleasant giddy feeling taking over her body once again. She was turning into a romantic comedy character, an idea she once dreaded, but it felt nice to be head over heels in love and overflowing with joy after so long.

"That was me flirting. Did it work?" – Karma grinned. Amy pouted and rolled her eyes. "Please tell me it worked. By the way, you'll have to return the favor and get my hair done too."

"But your hair is perfect already." – Amy said. "See? I'm good at this game too. But unlike you, I actually _mean_ it."

Karma leaned forward and kissed her soundly on the lips, her whole world stopping right then when Amy's eyes slowly fluttered open and locked with hers, and she saw the person who no longer needed to settle for sharing just a cardboard castle with her, because Karma wanted to give her _everything_ too.

Amy's gaze held all the answers she's been craving to questions she didn't even know she had.

She meant it too.


	13. Straight Up

For as long as she can remember, Karma has always had a love-hate relationship with mirrors. On the one hand, she liked to get all dressed up, she was definitely the kind of person to spend hours in front of the mirror before going outside. She's always been the girly type– loved to experiment with different hairstyles and clothes since she was a little girl, started plucking her eyebrows at 13, despite Amy's reassurance that she didn't need to, and she generally cared about looking stylish and well put together, regardless of the occasion. She wanted to be noticed when she walked into a room, to have people's admiring, spellbound gaze on her, and that was part of the reason why she always made the extra effort.

On the other hand, the mirror was her greatest enemy. It pointed out flaws she's tried so hard to ignore, its reflective property showed her in all of her authenticity, despite her best efforts to hide or put on a convincing act. Sometimes she dreaded the reflection staring back at her, because it was a constant reminder of her insecurities, a nagging echo of the voices she's tried to silence her whole life.

Now, gazing at it, she found herself greeted by another, much different picture. She was slowly starting to realize that maybe it wasn't the mirror which changed over the years, but her. The image she found herself contemplating now was one she never thought she'd have, in a million years.

Her best friend's peaceful look, closed eyes and relaxed presence, her head laid back, as Karma worked her magic, taming her luscious blonde locks, her fingers occasionally brushing against the sensitive skin on the nape of her neck, sending jolts of electricity through her body, causing her to sigh in contentment. For once, Karma was too distracted to care about looking pretty or having people's admiring gaze on her.

She only wanted a specific someone's gaze on her.

And when that specific someone opened her eyes and gasped softly, taking note of her new and improved look, the corners of her lips turning upwards into a small, appreciative smile, Karma suddenly found another reason to love the mirror – it graced her with the image of pure happiness.

And when Amy was next to her, Karma's own reflection was one she didn't feel the need to hide from. For a fleeting moment, she wasn't defined by her insecurities or flaws anymore, she was defined by the love she had for the blonde beauty on the other side.

"Wow, you've really outdone yourself, Karma." – Amy said, her eyes never leaving the mirror. "Though, it took you a lot, I almost fell asleep. You know how I am when people play with my hair."

Karma giggled softly at the blonde's sleepy face.

"I wasn't _playing_ with your hair, I was _styling_ it. " – she clarified, and Amy rolled her eyes, forcing herself not to focus too much on the feel of Karma's hand on her exposed shoulder, absentmindedly giving it a light squeeze, but her skin was still tingling with sensation seconds after she retreated her hand, missing her touch.

"Right." – Amy said, turning around to face her best-friend-turned-girlfriend. She still couldn't allow herself to use that glorious new label yet, because, in all honesty, she expected to wake up from this wonderful dream any minute now and sigh in disappointment once she realized it was all a beautiful, albeit cruel illusion. Truth was, she had pinched herself about three times already, to no avail.

Dismissing her thoughts, she decided to focus on the source of her newfound happiness, her concentrated gaze landing on Karma's gorgeous auburn hair. "Would you believe me if I said your hair really is flawless and I don't want to ruin it?"

"Are you flirting with me, Amy?" – Karma inquired, smirking and raising one of her perfectly plucked eyebrows in suspicion. Amy lightly nudged her side as if saying don't-be-ridiculous, attempting to mask her blush by nibbling on her bottom lip and looking down. Her gesture didn't go unnoticed by Karma, who couldn't seem to pull her gaze away.

"Of course not, I have no game, we both know that. " – Amy said, bashfully, to which they both giggled lightly. "I actually meant it, you know."

"I know. But I still want a side braid, missy." – Karma said, lifting herself up from the chair in order to switch places with Amy. Despite their hands barely grazing each other on the way, they somehow became hyper aware of the other's presence, each little gesture, touch or gaze felt at a greater intensity than ever before.

Karma laid her head back too and closed her eyes in anticipation.

"What are you closing your eyes for, you weirdo?" – Amy questioned, letting out a snort of amusement, as she started working on Karma's hairstyle.

Karma sighed, focusing on the feel of Amy's hands in her hair and on her skin, her breath hitching in her throat each time she felt her move closer and returning to its normal rhythm when Amy leaned forward to grab the hairspray or the brush.

"It's relaxing, buttface." – Karma said, her eyes still closed, a contagious smile tugging at her lips.

"If you say so. " – Amy replied, attempting to focus all of her efforts on Karma's hair. It didn't help much that the redhead was being so distracting. She looked so beautiful and..happy. It's been too long since she's seen that look on her face, and she wanted to do anything in her power to keep it that way, to make sure that smile never wavered.

Minutes passed and the comforting silence engulfed them both. Only this time it wasn't that heavy quiet, filled with words unspoken, tension and long repressed feelings, it was a silence that spoke more than words ever could, connecting them like no other.

"Okay." – Amy eventually let out a long sigh, as if the activity she engaged in worn her out to the point of exhaustion. "You can open your eyes now."

Karma's emerald orbs locked with the mirror once again, and she couldn't help but praise Amy's new girly tendencies.

"This is great. I'm actually impressed, Raudenfeld."

"It's a braid, not rocket science." – Amy chimed in, sarcastically. "Plus, I've learned from the best."

"Did you?" – Karma drawled, seductively, distancing herself from the mirror to take a closer look at Amy's adorably oblivious and unsuspecting outer visage, her shy demeanor slipping in without notice. The blonde was downright clueless to her intentions, which made it all the more exciting.

"Well, yeah, I mean, you're the one who always tried these ridiculous hairstyles on me first before you—"- Amy shrugged her shoulders, but her speech got cut by an all-too-familiar pair of warm lips, the intoxicating scent of jasmine, spring and something that was uniquely Karma filling her nostrils, making her feel pleasantly dizzy.

She let out a surprised squeak, instantly muffled by the redhead's plump lips brushing against her own, and before she could even reciprocate or process it, her best friend pulled away, a self-assured, satisfied smirk on her face.

Amy was turned into mush on the spot, her eyes fluttering open and butterflies rummaging through her stomach. She could never get used to that sensation. Karma knew it too.

"That was.." – Amy whispered, touching her bottom lip with her thumb, savoring the memory. "Sneaky."

Karma stared in utmost awe, deciding right then that she wanted it. She wanted Amy's dreamy, purely hypnotized, enthralled gaze on her and _her_ only. She caught a glimpse of it before, but she never let herself drown in it and _realize_ that it was only meant for her - at the homecoming assembly, at the threesome, on the quad. It's always been there, just below the surface. She only needed to open her eyes.

Sure, _s_ he's kissed Amy quite a few times before, but it was only now that clarity hit her - every single time she did, her best friend fought to catch her breath afterwards and wore this sincere, soft half smile, her face lighting up like a Christmas tree. It even rivaled her expression when she bought her that ridiculous donut shirt.

Karma felt like her heart was suddenly too big for her constricting chest. _She_ could have that effect on someone, _she_ could be the one to take someone's breath away without even trying. All along, there was someone she didn't even need to try for.

She's been herself for 16 years, and she thought no one had fallen for her, when there was someone who did. And not because she had to force her, call out hunger strikes, impress her, chain herself to a door or sing in public, but because she was herself.

Nothing more, nothing less.

She was snapped out of her daze by Amy's hesitant sky blue eyes locking with hers. The blonde was shuffling her feet on the floor nervously.

"Um..I..uh.." – she stuttered, silently cursing herself for being so anxious. "Can I hold your hand? I mean, when we walk to the party. " – Amy paused, her following statement turning into an unsure question. "And.. _at_ the party? I mean, is that okay?"

Karma smiled fondly, leaning closer to the blonde and silencing her by placing her index finger on her lips, her bold action taking both of them by surprise.

"Of course, silly. You don't even need to ask." – Karma assured her, though she secretly found Amy's hesitation adorable.

"Okay." – Amy said, exhaling heavily. She paced back and forth, looking for her purse, not noticing Karma's gaze on her, following her every move.

The blonde was acting peculiar. Karma knew that behavior – it was nervous, I'm-freaking-out-and-almost-having-a-panic-attack Amy. She'd be amused if she wasn't so worried. And maybe flattered, a little.

Once Amy found the long sought object, she stopped halfway, finally catching her best friend's scrutinizing, slightly teasing look.

"What's so funny?" – she asked, oblivious, and Karma took both of her hands in hers, rubbing her forearms in reassurance.

"You're freaking out." – she said, simply, and Amy looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "Amy, it's just me, you don't have to be so nervous."

"That's the point. You've never been _just_ you to me, Karma." – Amy said, sheer love and adoration under swirling shades of blue.

Deeply touched by the blonde's words, she couldn't help but berate herself for not seeing it sooner, for not realizing her own feelings sooner. It could have been so easy for the two of them. Amy's love for her was always there - apparently concealed, but as transparent as it could get, if you knew _where_ to look. She was too caught up in herself to notice but she was going to spend each waking moment making it up to her. Just like she promised.

"I don't want to screw this up." – Amy confessed, fearfully, and Karma reassured her once again, the only way she knew how to. She placed her hand on her cheek, drawing her in surprisingly gently, pouring all the love she had for her in that single, chaste kiss.

Karma brought their foreheads together, and pulled away just enough to nuzzle her nose playfully. She was taken aback when Amy shivered under her touch, and surprised to feel her own knees tremble when the blonde flashed her a brilliant smile in return. They both made each other weak. It was scary and exciting at the same time.

"You won't. I know there's a lot to figure out, but we'll do it together, alright?" – she said tenderly, and Amy nodded weakly, still dazzled by that kiss.

For Karma, it was going to take a lot of time to get used to _that_ look directed her way. It made her feel worthy and beautiful and _enough._ More than just enough – it made her feel special.

Karma's hand found hers, sending a shiver down Amy's spine once again. She took a deep breath to compose herself and intertwined their fingers as they descended the staircase. If Lauren and Farrah noticed something different about them, they didn't say anything. They did, however, exchange all-knowing looks filled with approval – oddly.

Her former beauty queen republican mother and her "evil" step-sister had come a long way, Amy remarked in her head, not even attempting to conceal her happiness. She could swear Lauren smirked, as if saying about-damn-time-you-two. They had all the time in the world to talk it out. They were sisters, after all. As much as Amy dreaded the idea at first, Lauren was family now. Of course they'd talk it out later while Lauren pretended not to want to hear the details, inwardly delighted that her sister finally got together with her soul mate of ten years.

When they arrived at Shane's house – or rather – grand mansion, the party was already in full swing. Amy's sarcastic comments came, one by one, regarding the teenagers' lack of control over their hormones and their inability to hold their intake of alcoholic beverages, and Karma simply laughed, telling her to loosen up a bit and stop acting like she was 50. Some things never change.

The looks they received upon entering were contrasting powerfully – some rolled their eyes, believing the girls were faking it again for popularity, while others cheered, taking note of the sincerity of their gestures. They couldn't fake their sincere, lovesick smiles, the aura surrounding them, and that overwhelmingly strong lesbian energy Shane mentioned craving so much.

"Speak of the devil. " – Amy greeted, flashing Shane an infectious smile from across the room. Shane dropped the beer from his hand in an instant, the sound of it splashing across the floor drowned by the obnoxiously loud music, as he rushed to the happy couple, wearing a goofy grin that appeared to be almost too big for his face. Amy wondered, briefly, if his face was going to crack at any given moment.

"Oh my god! For crying out loud, what took you so long?" – he said, his statement being an odd mix of cheerful and exasperated, his loud voice attracting most of the attention in the room. Normally, Amy would feel self-conscious. She never liked the excessive attention, the whispers or the gossip. But Karma was holding her hand, squeezing it lightly in reassurance, and she couldn't focus on anything else.

The next words coming out of her mouth caused Amy to melt right there.

"Shane..you remember my _girlfriend_ Amy, right?" – she said, sweetly, smirking in her characteristic manner. Amy was swimming in a sea of rainbows, butterflies, kittens and everything nice, thus failing to hear Shane's comment to Karma about nearly causing her to faint with that fabulous introduction.

"Damn it, I can't even laugh at you two. You're just too adorable. Let me get you lovely lovebirds something to drink. " – Shane chipped in, rushing away, his feet clashing with the floor in what appeared to be a happy dance of some sort.

From across the room, Karma's eyes locked with Liam's. He was on the couch next to a dark-haired girl. If she remembered correctly, she was Zita, the girl from Skwerkel that he's told her about. Liam nodded softly at her, his eyes shifting briefly to Karma and Amy's joined hands, lips curling into a small smile, as he acknowledged her presence. Karma did the same, her look mirroring his. There was an unexpected agreement in their eyes _– I'm glad you're happy_. After everything that's happened, Liam deserved that too.

"Are you alright?" – Amy's soft voice came, and Karma sent a heart melting smile her way.

"Never been better." – she whispered, her arm wrapping around Amy's side protectively.

Shane returned with the drinks, interrupting their little romantic moment.

"So, Karma.." – he said, tentatively, before going into full ranting mode. "You finally saw the light. I'd really like to say I told you so but I probably shouldn't. Who am I kidding? I told you so. I knew it from day one, you oblivious idiots." – Shane continued his rambling and the girls could only laugh at his giddiness.

"You sure are excited, Shane. " – Amy said.

"I told you – I've always wanted lesbian friends." – Shane replied. "By the way, you're kind of hot tonight, Raudenfeld. I dig that look, really like you all glammed up. "

"She is gorgeous, isn't she?" – Karma said, lovingly tucking a strand of loose hair behind Amy's ear, causing her to blush and suddenly feel very self-conscious.

"Uh..thank you. You look great too, Shane. Anyone in particular you're dressed the part for?" – Amy said, taking note of Shane's black, form-fitting shirt and casual denim jeans.

"That would be my boyfriend Duke over there." – he said, winking at his former trainer-turned-legit-boyfriend. "Gotta jet now, but I'll check in with you two later. And Karma..I'm really proud of you." – he added.

Amy gave Karma a confused look, but she shook her head dismissively, nonverbally signaling her that she'd tell her all about that later.

Karma opened her mouth, attempting to say something, but stopped the moment she heard the first bars of a song she's become so accustomed to, a song that both of them knew like the back of their hand, a tune that transported them back to blissful past days – sleepovers, late night movie marathons, silly inside jokes, cookie baking and the realization that they would forever be each other's person, their one and only true soul mate, a revelation that some people don't have up until late maturity, but for them it was as clear as day since the moment they locked eyes at the playground. They turned to each other instantly, and the twin smiles on their faces were so bright they could put the sun's rays to shame. It was _their_ song.

 _Shane, you sneaky bastard. –_ Amy's subconscious kicked in, but she lost the power to coherently verbalize anything the moment Karma took a step back and extended her hand, a genuine smile gracing her beautiful features.

"Dance with me, Amy." – she said, breathlessly. Amy wordlessly agreed, her shaken legs guiding her straight ahead, drawn to Karma like a moth to a flame. She gratefully took her hand in hers and they headed towards the dance floor.

 _Lost in a dream_  
_I don't know which way to go_  
_(Let me say it now)_  
_If you are all that you seem_  
_Then, baby, I'm movin' way too slow_

As soon as they began to dance, the crowd once again stepped back, allowing them to have their moment, just like at the wedding. Amy and Karma shared a silent agreement, before Amy's hands found her best friend's waist and they both started swaying gently to the rhythm of the music, their movements flawlessly coordinated and their heartbeats in perfect synch with the other's.

 _I've been a fool before_  
_Wouldn't like to get my love caught_  
_In the slammin' door_  
_How about some information, please?_

Karma caught Amy's blue eyes halfway, knowing full well what she was about to do, and gave her a small nod and a bright smile, before Amy lift her up and spun her around, her touch causing all sorts of sensations to flow through Karma's body – euphoria, familiarity, closeness - both of them completely lost in the other, laughing and having fun like they did when they were 10 and designed their America's Got Talent worthy dance routine in Amy's room.

 _Straight up now, tell me_  
_Do you really wanna love me forever (oh, oh, oh)_  
_Or am I caught in a hit-and-run?_  
_Straight up now, tell me_  
_Is it gonna be you and me together (oh, oh, oh)_  
_Or are you just havin' fun?_

They stopped dancing for a moment and looked into each other's eyes, both of them experiencing that same flash back. Karma was the first to break the spell by wrapping her arms around Amy's neck, pulling her closer, and Amy's found her waist on instinct, resting her forehead against hers, sighing.

Their movements turned gentler and their touch softer - by now they were not as much dancing as they were almost caressing each other, and when they both breathlessly lied down on the floor, the crowd formed around them started cheering and whistling.

But that loud roar and buzz of the audience only faintly registered to them, as if their voices were sounding from miles away. Because in that moment, there was only the two of them and the only sound they could hear was that of their steady breathing and raging heartbeats.

"I'm ready to step off the edge with you now. I'm sorry I kept you waiting." _-_ Karma whispered, quiet enough for only Amy to hear.

"You're worth the wait."- the blonde answered, her voice hoarse yet still mellow, baby blues glistening with unshed tears. She lovingly removed a strand of auburn hair from Karma's eyes and she took a moment to really look at her and admire her beauty, knowing that this time she was allowed to, she didn't have to feel guilty for it.

She took a moment to remember all the reasons why she fell in love with her, to relive the feeling she experienced when they first met. They were just two silly kids trying to find their place in the world, but they instantly connected, like they've been meant to share something special and unique only to them both all along.

More than a decade later, that glorious, exact feeling still lingered between them, but it had grown stronger than either of them could have ever predicted. Their epic friendship had turned into an epic love story. If Amy wasn't part of it, she wouldn't ever think it was possible outside of a fictional universe. But under the loving spell of the beauty before her, she was finally a believer.

Amy drew in a shaky breath when she felt the soft touch of Karma's hand on her face, gently cupping it and ever so slowly capturing her lips with her own, sending her mind and heart into overdrive. She's waited 10 years for this and it felt even better than she dared to visualize it in her wildest dreams - unreal, sublime.

The blonde's hand dropped to her waist, pulling Karma's body closer and she tilted her head for better access, responding eagerly, allowing herself to drown in the overwhelming thrill of finally getting what she wanted for so long. She didn't want to ever stop. Neither of them knew how much time passed while they sat there, entangled in each other and immersed in a happiness beyond their imagination, one they never dared to believe they could ever reach on their own, let alone together.

But when they came up for air, their breathing returning to its normal rhythm and their eyes fluttered open, they both saw their future. It was a mere glimpse, but it was filled with promises of forever.

The possibility of that future had been hidden in plain sight all along, just waiting for them to take a chance and make it their reality. In that single moment, despite the emotional turmoil, their turbulent adolescent lives, the obstacles they were going to face, they were both certain of one thing – they wouldn't have it any other way.


	14. I Will Be (All That You Want)

Never, not even in a million years, would Karma have expected to feel like this – it was a happiness beyond anything she's experienced before, a feeling of belonging and acceptance washing over her as her pulse involuntarily quickened, her knees wobbled and she fidgeted ever so slightly every time her name slipped her lips.

_Amy._

It was short, simple, natural and it set a slow burning fire inside of her. She wanted everything from her – she ached for her touch, her presence, her words.

These past few weeks have been the most amazing of her entire life. She felt complete, wanted, needed, all at once. All of those romantic comedies she was addicted to had nothing on her reality, they were devoid of meaning and hollow now. They were no longer the ideal she strived to reach, because she no longer believed in someone else's predefined happy ending as being her dream one.

She didn't believe in perfection – she believed in seeing someone imperfect as if they were flawless. They both had made terrible mistakes and hurt each other badly along the way but they had finally reached a common ground. She was finally writing her story and she loved every step of it so far.

Because what she had was real, raw, honest and almost otherworldly. It wasn't perfect, but it was _right_. She didn't always believe in soul mates, despite her mom's teachings. At first, she didn't want to let herself envision a world in which the whole written-in-the-stars cliché worked, because it appeared almost too good to be true, but the moment she became friends with Amy, something clicked.

She knew they were meant to be together forever – even if strictly platonically at that time. But maybe love really was just friendship on fire. Because somewhere along the way, she realized their bond stretched way beyond friendship. She couldn't pinpoint the exact moment it started, probably because she never knew how to _not_ love Amy.

Looking back on the past year, she really can't imagine it being any other way anymore. She's been the only one standing in the way of her happiness, she was the force standing between her and her one true love, and she was grateful for finally getting her act together.

Amy Raudenfeld was _her_ girlfriend.

Amy, the same girl she watched Dance Moms marathons with, the same girl who held her while she cried and brought a smile on her face when her grandma died, the same girl who made her feel like a princess on her birthday each year, the person who knew everything there was to know about her, her best friend, her soul mate, her other half. She never thought she would ever get so lucky.

The use of the word still made Karma feel like she was floating on clouds, waiting to be rudely brought to reality. They've always walked a fine line – best friends who were, as Amy so wonderfully and accurately put it – insanely close, too touchy-feely with each other to ever be strictly platonic.

Add in the occasional banter and even slight flirting, not to mention their legendary back rubs. They were painfully oblivious even then – maybe it was something common to them both. Because to everyone else around they appeared to be a couple even before the whole faking it fiasco even started. Hell, even Lauren seemed to know, and Lauren didn't pay attention to anyone but herself.

Thinking back on it, Karma suddenly realized that pretending to be girlfriends should've brought some sort of boundaries issue between them, or at least a little bit of awkwardness, but it was never the case with either of them. Boy crazy Karma felt so natural kissing her best friend and holding her hand and calling her "best girlfriend ever". She never stopped to question that she should've had some sort of issue with that. But why would she? It was Amy. _Her_ Amy.

Now that it was happening for real, she realized just how much she's always wanted to be that person in her life. The one she kisses good morning, the one who holds her hand in public, the one who opens the door for her, the one who brings her flowers, the one she sneaks out of class to be with – doing anything and everything, as long as they were together. She could watch paint dry on the brick wall outside school with her and she would still have fun.

 _I always have fun with you. –_ her past words resonated in her mind, causing a large smile to blossom on her face.

Dating Amy Raudenfeld was a series of firsts. If Amy was thoughtful and considerate as a best friend, as a girlfriend she was so much more. For the right person, sarcastic, uninterested, unimpressed Amy was the perfect romantic at heart – she did all of the above and not only.

The memory of Amy bringing her flowers and anxiously waiting for her to descend the stairs, her knuckles trembling and her heart throbbing in her chest is one she'll never forget. She vividly recalls her spellbound gaze falling upon her face and then her body, admiring her, and that spark only she could bring to life giving her blue eyes an ethereal beauty.

She couldn't ever forget the feeling of her own heart soaring and her palms sweating profusely even if she wanted to, when she saw what Amy was wearing – an elegant black dress that made her look like a model on catwalk. Amy never wore dresses, but she would do just about anything for her.

Sometimes it was infuriating to Karma that Amy didn't seem to realize just how stunning and drop-dead gorgeous she was. She could wear her bacon sweats and donut shirt and she'd still be breathtakingly beautiful.

But this time, Karma had to take a step back and compose herself. Her breathing was labored and at that moment she was experiencing it all – love, adoration and _lust_.

She loved, needed and _wanted_ Amy. More than ever.

"After you, my lady." – she would say, before grabbing her trembling hand. It was cheesy and corny, but it was so _them,_ it was everything she could ask for and more. If Karma wanted a fairytale, she would give her that. She would give her everything, because she always kept her promises.

She would give her the perfect date – candlelit dinner, butterflies, scenes straight out of a Nicholas Sparks movie if she so desired, and then graciously deny ever being a romantic at heart by turning back into Princess Sarcasm after that glorious night.

On their first date, they went to Luc's, Amy's favorite restaurant. It was exquisite and slightly pretentious, but somehow still cozy, intimate and familiar. They both laughed when they saw the menu and ordered the fanciest thing they could find, a dish whose name they couldn't even pronounce, figuring it was a once-in-a-lifetime moment, a milestone event. It would be worth it.

She remembered Amy's eyes on her the whole time, nervously shifting away when she caught her staring. She would grab her hand gently from across the table, assuring her that there was no one else she wanted to do this with. She hated herself for ever giving Amy doubts in regards to where her heart truly lied. Because there was no way she was changing her mind. If anything, she was falling harder and harder every minute.

Plus – it wasn't as if the sneaky, guilty blonde was the only one stealing fugitive glances from the corner of her eye. Karma had been doing too much of that for her own good. She felt like a hormonal boy who couldn't keep his eyes and hands away. It wasn't the right time for her to recall _those_ dreams. She shook her head dismissively. If Amy noticed the blush creeping up her cheeks, she didn't say anything.

But Karma couldn't blame her hormones only. Her reaction was understandable and it had everything to do with the blonde beauty searching her eyes intently. Amy has always been beautiful, it was a fact of nature (she was sometimes jealous she could look so effortlessly pretty when Karma spent hours in the mirror), but she couldn't remember a time she looked more attractive than at that moment, her straightened hair framing her face wonderfully and her loving eyes glistening in the dim light. It didn't help much that she wore the lipstick she bought her. Suddenly, she was craving that strawberry taste _so_ badly.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the waiter bringing their order. Thankfully, whatever it was they were eating was delicious. And they had taken the caution of not ordering anything that could potentially have peanut butter in it. Karma might've appeared calm and collected during the whole Communal alergy incident, but she was always scared to death that something could happen to Amy. She had to be cautious. Just in case.

_Damn, Ashcroft, you're turning into such a softie. Look at you, the perfect, caring girlfriend._

The conversation ran smoothly – they were as comfortable as always with each other. You'd think that after knowing each other for over 10 years, they'd run out of topics to discuss, but it was hardly the case.

They talked about everything – from their relationship, to Lauren's bitchiness slowly wearing off now that she had Theo, to Amy's mom giving them her blessing and Karma's parents both doing a little happy dance after the news reached their ears - Karma caught them in the act and it was, to this day, the most hilarious thing she's ever witnessed.

They even discussed Reagan, briefly, both of them keeping in touch with her regularly now, silently thankful for her input and the push forward they both so desperately needed. The fact that she has landed herself a smoking hot girlfriend too lessened the burden of guilt Karma still felt.

The truth was, the only thing that changed between them since the last time they did this was the setting. But underneath it all, they were still Karma and Amy. They could drink shakes at Mc Donald's or talk about Amy's unhealthy love for donuts and this would still feel the same as it did when they were little.

Only this time they were both nervous and head over heels in love with each other. It was the same, yet somehow vastly different. It was better. It was so real it felt somehow frightening.

She remembered Amy excitedly grabbing her hand when they left, telling her she wanted to take her somewhere special. She wished she hadn't gone for the heels when the blonde led her inside a tall building and they started climbing an endless stairwell. But when they reached the roof, the effort made it all worthwhile.

Amy wore a soft half-smile and Karma's eyes widened in realization, recognizing the view and the surroundings immediately.

"Amy.." – she whispered breathlessly, lips parting into a soft gasp. "You remembered."

"Of course I did, silly."

Karma felt her knees give away right there. _Of course_ she remembered. Amy always did. The blonde knew her better than she could ever hope to know herself.

"You wanted me to face my fears. I was _so_ mad at you for bringing me here." – Karma giggled, her mind taking a pleasant trip down memory lane. She felt her heart lighter, nostalgia overwhelming her, as she took in the breathtaking view before her.

Amy took hold of her hand and they were both brought back to that amazing day when they were twelve. Little Amy told her she wanted to go on an adventure just to trick her into going up on the roof. Amy hated to see her scared and wanted to show her there was nothing to be afraid of – not even heights or the possibility of falling. She's always been the brave one, even then.

"But then you said that I helped you face yours when we put those stars on the ceiling and you wanted to help me too." – Karma whispered, gripping Amy's hand tighter on impulse. Unbeknownst to her, tears were already swelling up in her eyes and threatening to spill.

"I tried _so_ hard not to laugh at you but your face was all red. You were so angry and pretty much freaking out." –Amy laughed, and Karma nudged her side, waving her hand dismissively.

"No, I wasn't." – she crossed her arms comically in response, pouting, and Amy didn't think anyone could get more adorable even if they tried.

"You were _so_ afraid of falling." – Amy continued. "I remember you wouldn't let go of my hand. There might've been some swearing too." – she grinned, and Karma muttered a quick "Sorry about that." under her breath.

After a brief pause, Karma let go of Amy's hand, turning towards her, wanting to observe her properly as she spoke the next words.

"But then you told me that as long as you were there, nothing bad could happen to me because you wouldn't let it." – Karma said, her tear-stricken eyes falling upon Amy's solemn face.

She was falling in love with her over and over again.

"I kept my promise, didn't I?" – Amy said, lips curving upwards into a half smile.

"In more ways than one." – Karma uttered earnestly, resting her head on the blonde's shoulder, her hand holding her side protectively, both of them gazing ahead, the sound of the bustling town ringing in the distance.

Karma didn't feel that adrenaline anymore, that anxiety of being so high up and overlooking the world from above. She wasn't just facing the immensity below head on, she was drowning in it, fearlessly. She was stepping off the edge, knowing that this time someone was there to catch her, someone was there to make her feel safe and protected.

Her heart was still pounding in her chest, but this time it was for a whole different set of reasons. She didn't know how much time passed as they stood there next to each other, just admiring the view and basking in the sound. A gust of wind blew Amy's hair and she reached up to remove a stubborn strand blocking her vision, when Karma gently tugged her arm, prompting the blonde to gaze at her instead.

"Let me." – she whispered, reaching out to tuck Amy's hair behind her ear. Her hand lingered there for a moment, the blonde's soft skin feeling like finely-spun silk underneath her fingertips. Amy closed her eyes and her breath hitched, like it always did when Karma was so close like this. After days and days spent together, Karma was still mesmerized by the effect she could have on her. The slightest touch made her so weak.

"Come on." – Karma said, all of a sudden, grabbing the blonde's hand, breaking the spell she was under. "My feet are killing me."

"Do you want me to carry you?" – Amy suggested, only halfway joking. As much as Karma loved the idea, she didn't want to burden Amy, so she politely declined, even though she was in pain. Being the sweetheart that she was, Amy suggested that they walk slowly back home.

Although that plan sounded great and Karma enjoyed the feel of Amy's hand in hers in the quiet evening air, her feet almost gave away just a couple of blocks from Amy's house. Karma nervously apologized and asked Amy if they could sit down on a nearby bench for a while, to which the blonde nodded.

"Honey, it's not that I don't like you in heels because I do, but why didn't you go for something more comfortable instead?" – Amy asked, visibly concerned, and Karma couldn't focus much on her question, because she had just called her honey and it made her heart burst with excitement and she hadn't kissed her all night. Her resistance was cracking.

"Because you know me – I'm stubborn. And I love these shoes." – she answered, simply.

_And I also might've wanted to seduce you._

"Clearly. But your feet don't seem to. " – Amy said, determinedly. She lifted herself up and gave Karma her best stern look, the one she only saved for emergency situations. Feeling Karma's hesitation, she cut in instantly, not giving her a chance to talk. "Don't be stupid, Ashcroft, I'm not letting you take another step."

"But Aimes, I'm fine, seriously!" – she countered, to no avail.

"Not another word, Karma. Just..stay there, let me try something." – Amy said, to which Karma's lips parted, confusion washing over her features. Whatever she was expecting – most likely a piggyback ride – she didn't get. Instead, Amy gently picked her up bridal style, her hands gripping her waist.

Karma hesitantly wrapped her hands around the blonde's neck for support, feeling her whole body tense and her breathing speed up. She was wondering, briefly, if Amy could hear her thudding heart. She couldn't conceal that even if she wanted to.

She had to conceal her blush, because she was pretty sure it was showing, even in the darkness of the night, which was why she buried her head in the crook of the blonde's neck, not realizing the effect the feel of her breath had on Amy's sensitive skin. The blonde was hyperventilating – thankfully just internally.

"Thank you." – Karma said, and the rest of the ride home was quiet and somehow magical. Karma could've fallen asleep in those arms and not wake up ever again, and still be able to say she had the greatest time on earth.

_God, Karma, could you be sappier?_

It was then that another unusual thought entered her mind. More like someone else's words. Given the way the blonde was carrying her, it wasn't out of place.

_Maybe we should just marry each other._

She didn't know why she kept returning to that sentence. She was snapped out of her thoughts when Amy gently put her down to unlock the door. Her parents were out and Lauren had a date with Theo. Amy didn't stop to wonder why she didn't just take Karma to her house. Maybe she wanted her to stay. Maybe she also wanted to carry her upstairs and kiss her senseless.

_Keep it together._

"D-do you uh – want to go to my room?" – Amy asked, cursing herself for her nerves.

_Damn it, I never stutter, what the hell is wrong with me?_

"Uh, yeah, sure." – Karma's voice came, heavier than usual.

"Hold on, I'm not letting you climb the stairs." – Amy said, despite Karma's reassurance that she was in fact alright. It wasn't lost on Karma that she had actually taken her shoes off and there was no need for Amy to be so overprotective of her. Despite that fact, the blonde still wouldn't have any of it. She picked up Karma again and placed her on her bed ever so gently, as if she was going to break, her worried eyes boring into hers.

"Are you sure you're okay? Can I get you anything?" – she asked, rubbing her forearms.

"Actually.." – Karma drawled, her voice dropping and turning huskier. "There is something."

Amy, being the lovable oblivious idiot that she was, didn't read the writing on the wall. But, to Karma, that was never a problem. It was just part of her appeal. Amy was adorkably charming.

"What is it? I'll do anything to make you feel better. What can I bring you?" – her voice came rushed, thick with emotion, barely articulating a jumbled mess of words. She hated when her girlfriend was in pain.

"You." – Karma said, simply, giving Amy a hard, focused look. If that didn't make it obvious, nothing would.

"Oh." - Amy whispered, realization hitting her like a ton of bricks. She was downright clueless and she felt like smacking herself hard on the head. Karma wanted her just as much as she did, if the hooded emerald eyes locking with hers in a heated gaze was any indication to go by.

She gulped and licked her lips nervously, inwardly cursing herself for being so damn nervous. This wasn't just some girl she casually met at the Twain, it wasn't a drunken mistake she'd spent weeks trying to forget. It was Karma and nothing frightened her more than that. It was everything she wanted and it overwhelmed her.

“Come here.”

But all of her doubts flew out the window when Karma gently tugged her shoulders, wrapping her arms around her neck and bringing her down to her level, connecting their lips in a slow, mind-blowing kiss. She was the one straddling her and her ears were buzzing, the feel of Karma underneath her causing all rational thought to leave her right then and there.

She gripped her sides at first, before allowing her hands to travel up and down her body, wanting to feel as much as she could, wanting to memorize every inch of her and burn that sensation in the back of her mind. Karma didn't seem to protest, deepening the kiss, but the sound of her own moan sent a jolt of electricity through her body and she abruptly pulled away.

"I'm really sorry, I –" she attempted to apologize frantically, looking away in shame, but Karma gently cupped her face, forcing her to face her emerald orbs instead.

"Amy, it's okay." – she said, panting slightly . "I want this. I want _you_. Baby, I want you."

"Are you sure?" – the blonde asked, allowing herself to be vulnerable, her heart soaring at the new pet name that Karma involuntarily allowed to slip out. At the same time, she didn't want her to know how scared she was, but she couldn't lie to her either.

"You mean too much to me, Karma, I don't want to..I can't..I can't lose you."

"You could never lose me." – Karma whispered, repeating her words from the wedding. "You're my soul mate, remember?" – she let out a short laugh, her hand reaching up to wipe away the tears in Amy's eyes.

She kissed her forehead, then her cheeks, before brushing her lips against hers slowly. "I love you, okay? And I'm sorry for ever making you doubt it. But I'll say it as many times as you need me to, because you deserve to hear it every day. You’re the only one I want.”

“But are you sure this is okay? You’ve never—I mean, I don’t want to hurt you--“

“I trust you. And I want all of you. And if you don’t get back up here and kiss me in the next 5 seconds, I just might change my mind.”

That was all the reassurance she needed. It was like something finally broke inside of Amy. She wasn't holding back anymore, she was determined to show her how much she truly meant to her. There was no dramatic, heated tearing of each other's clothes, no urgency or desperation in their movements. This time they _had_ it all and they wanted to _feel_ it all.

They took it slow, kissed each other gently, explored each other tentatively because they had all the time in the world. There was a moment of brief unspoken acknowledgement, before Amy smiled like she never had before, eyes bright and glistening with tears of happiness, and her hands found the back of Karma's neck, bringing her forward, her forehead resting against hers and her hot breath dusting her skin.

Their lips met in a tender, passionate dance, they removed each other's clothing gently, mesmerized by the other's inner and outer beauty. There was nothing but pure, unadulterated love and adoration in their eyes, along with hushed promises uttered between soft touches and kisses that left both of them breathless and aching for more.

Karma finally believed in soul mates. Because for both of them, tonight was just the beginning of forever.


End file.
